unconstrained words

what do you do

2009-11-03T09:11:00.000-08:00

What do you do if your cancer is back? After a year of rigorous chemotherapy and a life threatening surgery, you find that your life is still not yours. It never was. And it can never be. Your life cannot be granted to you like a gift or a present. What do you do? Do you cry? Do you plead to god for mercy? Do you finally turn to him? Or you wait. You simply wait. Wait for the absolution that you hope to receive.
What do you do if one day you find out that you have a rare disease that compels you to never get married? Your body cannot carry a child. Your kidneys are too frail to give life. You cannot love or be loved as others would be. You cannot marry. What do you do? Do you still thank god like you used to. Are you still grateful for being alive and normal? Do you think of the many bounties that you still possess?
What do you do if you cannot graduate this year? You have been working like a dog for the past four years and they tell you that you’re simply not good enough. Your work is simply not good enough. You will have to come back next year to receive your degree. All your friends are graduating without you. The dreams and hopes that you have seen have now been shattered. Your life is shattered. A mess. A dirty, scattered mess. What do you do? Do you still work hard for next year? Do you acknowledge god and his existence?
Are you still sleeping? Are you still in ignorance?
Can you hear me god? Can you see me god? It’s me, one of your unfaithful followers. One of your misguided creations. Can you guide me and make me more pious and god fearing than I have ever been? Can you make me see things that I have not seen before? Can you please bestow your light upon me that shines through the rest of my life? I don’t think I want to die as an unbeliever. I don’t think I want to say I wish things were different on the Day of Judgment. Lord, you must help me and guide me. Because I believe I can ….
I believe I can….
I can…….

IS IT.......?

2009-11-02T01:54:00.000-08:00

Has there ever been a moment when I don’t look at you

When have I not longed to take you in my arms

The two of us in the hammock that you made

your hand never left mine

the grass underneath us as we lay is so green and wet

will your eyes be locked in mine forever

can you make promises you cant keep

the snow that you told me you love

the silver dress you told me to wear

I have it

I bought it

The sky above us is so clear and blue

Just as you imagined

Just as you described

Theres a lake house

You designed it

You own it

Theres our life ahead

Its new

Its fresh

Its our’s

Your soul met mine a lifetime ago

It bonded

It loved

Theres a journey

That we must start

That we must end

i wish today would end

2009-10-14T22:47:00.000-07:00

I shut myself

I close myself

I don’t feel like talking about it

I don’t feel like talking at all

I wish things were different

I wish you weren’t so cold

I wish I wasn’t so uptight

I wish I didn’t have so much work

I wish my dada would get better

I wish I would graduate

I wish I could improve myself

I wish I could be the person you want me to become

I wish I didn’t feel like shit today

I wish my heart didn’t ache with love for you

I wish I had the remedy for my illness

I wish I was closer to god

i feel unleashed....

2009-10-09T00:24:00.001-07:00

Yesterday you opened to me. You poured your heart out to me. Your suppressed feelings of eight years came alive yesterday. You lost me when you had your chance. And now I find out that you had wanted me back. This is why you tried to get in touch with me; you emailed me constantly to which I never replied. You were seeking my attention while I was ignoring yours. You were guilty and I was angry.

Today its more clear why Iam not with you. I wasn’t meant for you and neither were you for me.

We are two very different people

We cannot be together….

You told me this is life. I agree with you. This really is life. It’s harsh and cruel and very very real. But its out there and this is the only life that we have to ourselves.

There was a time when I loved you but it’s gone now. And it’s never coming back. And I know you are now happy for me but you wish things were different. You wish that I had given you a second chance. You wish I had told you the real reason for leaving you. You wish I had not left you. And you wish I had come back to you. Today you have a heart full of regrets and a chest full of guilt. You apologized yesterday and I forgave. I had forgiven you a very long time ago but you were still hurt. Your heart ached for atonement. You mind yelled for solace. And I gave it to you yesterday.

It took me eight years to understand why I chose my fiancé. I had been comparing and contrasting. Yesterday’s tete-e-tat opened my eyes. It gave me a perspective I had been seeking for years. It gave me an insight I had been hoping for days. The life and soul mate that I chose for myself is the one that’s right for me. Iam not broken. Neither am I incomplete. Alhamldolah I have no regrets…….and neither should you….because I know that one day you’ll be just as happy as Iam today….all you gotta have is faith….like I did eight years ago that I would be happy one day ……..

ramblings....

2009-09-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

as i stare at the tiny diamond on my ring that shines out loud in my face, i think about happiness. alhamdolah god has been kind. iam happy. i think ive made peace with my share of problems. they dont disturb me like they used to.i think ive matured in many ways during these months.
i have been wrong and sorry
i have hurt and apologised
i have been compensated by you and god. hes great...
anyway, yesterday was eid and it dragged for so long. then finally the little munchkins of my life came to save the day. they are twins and possess all the energy in the world. drinking fanta all day made it much worse.lol. anyway, they were driving my sick dada mad who needs plenty of quiet and alone time. so mum and i decided to take them outside. we were so tired and didnt have any energy to play with them, so we got a little mean.. muah ha ha ha....i told the girl twin to run and find at least 5 kinds of stones and throw them in the little pond, a little away from us. then i told her to sing any nursery rhyme she knew three times. the poor munchkin went and sang twinkle twinkle little stars three times, while counting on her little fingers. then i made the boy twin do the same thing. he sang baba black sheep. mum and i laughed and rolled over. hahahah....then i sent both of them on a mission to collect leaves, more stones, wet the stick and at last touch the car and come back. while the munchkins ran, laughed and played, mum and i got some lonesome time to eachother. i think she was glad that i joined her.
then my family made fun of my cooking and eating habbits. my pops told them that shes gonna join some cooking classes. yeah right, i chuckled. nice joke puppa!
pops: shes graduating, acha hai haandi seekhlay
me: thats the last thing i plan to do
uncle:yes we know her, we know what to find at her house....steaks, burgers, sandwiches, salads...
chorus laughter.....this is a very popular joke...my cooking...
uncle: so her hubby to be, he likes to eat?
pops: good joke... hes the least bothered about food..
me: yes..and i couldnt be happier...
phopo: he'll want food once you guys get married...you'll be making proper meals..
pops: i'll have to bring my own food to your house beta..whenever i visit...
me: which means you'll visit less?....lol
so this conversation went on for a while ....until it was time to go and i stole some of the forbidden cake...muah ha ha evil laugh

keep on praying for the good times.....

2009-09-03T04:52:00.000-07:00

I know that you don’t want to talk to me, hear my voice or look at my face. I can probably understand that you have been hurt and you need time to recover. It’s hard to acknowledge this but I know, and Iam trying to live this hard truth of my life.

I have apologized to you and god in many ways, through many words. No day goes by when I don’t feel the guilt or remorse but I still apologize hoping you might get past this. It’s never too late and in our case it can never be.

I feel through not communicating, there are unspoken words that need to be heard and feelings cleared. I don’t know what you are thinking but I want you to know that life is a lot larger than it seems. Holding on to grudges and hiding your feelings especially from me will not get you too far. Life is short and seems less sometimes. But this is the only life that we‘ll ever have to ourselves. It’s too short for hatred, dislike, disbelief and anger. It is too minute to be spent agonizing, without empathy and compassion. My grandfather might have cancer. He’s dying and we all know it. We now wish for things that we had never said to him. We now yearn to have treated him better. His frail arms and pale eyes make us want to never forgive ourselves sometimes. But what we wish the most is to spend most of our time with him. To make right what we made wrong. To heal wounds we injured in the past. To love him and let him be loved. To make him smile so that he forgets his pain for a while. To make beautiful that little time that we have left with him.

People go through such severe hardships in life that they forget the meaning of life. Alhamdoliah we have been spared from such atrocities. God forbid if anything happened to either of us, I don’t want either of us to spend the rest of our life in pain thinking we had not done what we did. And there are people who are alive but spiritually dead. Their soul has died. And they wish that they had said the magic words to their loved ones, had made them feel loved before it was too late………

I WONDER......

2009-08-25T04:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why I do things or say stuff to put myself in trouble. My zodiac sign insists that I have self destructive qualities. And now looking at myself, I believe it. I almost threw away a perfectly healthy relationship because of my stubbornness and ego. My better half was nice enough to forgive me, and I always realize my mistake after I have done the deed. Sigh….
These are the kinds of things he says to me……..
Stay with me, I forgive you, don’t say things you will regret later, I love you, I want to be there for you,
And these are the things that I say to him…..
I don’t want to talk to you, your immature, you embarrass me, I don’t know what I was thinking when I chose you….
See the difference between a nice guy and a bitchy gal…..now I know ……..

iam a monster

2009-08-11T06:53:00.000-07:00

life changes in minutes. people break your heart in seconds. and it takes years for you to overcome that pang of anger and humiliation. my life has changed drastically this year. i have grown and shrunk and gone deeper into layers of misery. i have been angry, fustrated and depressed at myself and at people. basically i have not been myself for the past few months. i have been unable to forgive and forget. my actions have a great testament to that.
since my mini thesis, i have been suffering severe anxiety. my eyes still water at the thought of days of hard work and a substantial thought process being thrown away and discarded like it was a mistake to produce it. my mind has been unable to accept this. iam still angry and carry chunks and loads of fustration in my chest that doesnt cease. i take offence easily and am quick to judge and be judged. i have become unthankful and extremely ungrateful. i take things for granted and hurt the people who love me. i say unkind, unforgivable words to the ones who love me and have continued for several years. iam harsh and rude and insensitive. i have become a monster who doesnt care. my mother tells me that it is okay to carry such feelings in your heart as long as you know how to move away from them. people make mistakes. you never learn otherwise. i made mistakes and their costing me now. i have no consideration for my relationship anymore. iam disrespectful and hurtful. for most of the part i dont feel the guilt for behaving in such a way. my friend decieved and lied on my face. she feels no guilt. my teacher shot me down every chance she got. she felt no guilt. i have become them. this is why i no longer feel guilt. my fiance had a sad childhood, his parents bickering compromised his personality, yet i dont sympathise. i feel iam heading towards sin, yet i dont do anything about it.
i know that at the rate my sins are progressing, i will be all alone. no one will love or stay by my side. my fiance told me to get lost. i know i broke his heart. i ripped his chest open. i burned his insides. i wounded his lost injuries, i dug his past and made him detest and hate me for a few minutes.
i want to undo my past. i want to go back in time and change my life completely. i would be a different person.

hearts break

2009-08-07T05:24:00.000-07:00

pain increases, it enhances with every passing moment of my life. flesh tears and i find my heart breaking. friends betray and love ceases to exist. it becomes unclear, the mist takes over. i cant see clearly anymore. i really dont know how to trust people anymore. i have been hurt, shaken and partly destroyed. my mind is does not forgive and forget anymore neither does it move on. i have turned to stone. iam still where i was a few years ago. i cannot find happiness and am indulged in the miseries of life. i cannot smile neither can i laugh.
there are decisions that i regret most in this stage of my life that i wish i had not attempted. of course you cannot undo the past but i wish i could, i wish i could go back in the past so that i wont be standing here today. alone...lonely and scared.....i could go back and change many decisions that wouldnt affect me today. and today if i take this decision there will be no looking back. i know that i must do this to save my soul.my life otherwise i wont be able to breathe. i know i cannot do this to myself or my parter. i think both of us will get hurt when i say the words so i must choose my words very carefully....
i wish there was an easier way to end things. i wish life really was like the movies where theres a happy ending at the end. theres light at the end of the tunnel.

2009-06-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

you set me free, you liberate me and your'e love is all that means to me. iam like a bird whose lost sometimes but you give me your wings to fly. and i fly around like the world is all that there is. sometimes in the middle of my work, i stop typing and you come before my eyes. you cloud my vision and hamper my thoughts. you cling to me and i just cant let go of you.

i see you through a moving car, my eyes sometimes spot your smile across the translucent glass. sometimes words cannot explain and its real. it feels so real to me.

i hate passing your old neighbourhood, there i dont even need to close my eyes. i can actually feel you standing at your porch where we spent so many nights. those broken steps that led to your upper storey house. the darkness that always prevailed and then your smile would bring light to me. i hate being where you were and are not anymore. i hate looking at those lanes where you grew as a child. you were there, youre not anymore.

i have not gone back to that place where a tree stands with your name and mine. sometimes i think about that tree, engraved with writings of innocence. where you chased me while our freinds watched. you caught me and i surrendered to your arms.

you set me free while i chain myself to your memories. when you told me that you loved me, i knew things would never be the same. i would never be the same. i hold on to small minute objects given by you. they have withered, their colour faded. the paper of your cards have turned yellow. your balloon burst and shred many years ago, yet it still sleeps in my cupboard. i still laugh at your old hairstyles. your poetry wounds my heart. my heart skips a beat everytime you write for me. your sketches, your hand writing and your images are all that iam left with sometimes.

your existance seems magicial to me.

its that time of the year

2009-06-19T01:02:00.000-07:00

Everyone around me either has become a mother or is in the process. Its frightening. My cousin recently had a second baby daughter and mashallah shes adorable. My friend from usa also has an adorable baby girl. Then just random people I know on facebook, old classmates, some seniors, all have become mothers. And iam just shocked to see them in that role. Iam old enough to be a mother myself but can never think of such a responsibility at the moment. It really does frighten me the thought and concept of motherhood. Don’t get me wrong, I love children, especially babies. But to think of having my own just freaks me out sometimes.
To be a mother is both a challenging and patient task. When your little one demands to be held and cries beyond imagination especially when you’re in the middle of cooking or doing some equally important chore. There is absolutely no time for yourself. No time and you find yourself juggling between different errands. I have also noticed how one has to give up on a lot of hobbies and make tremendous sacrifices. My cousin for instance has a business degree but does not work because her children are small. She says she’ll go back to work once her kids become older but I doubt that would be the case. The older your kids get, the bigger and worse their problems become.
Also there is a loss in your diet because all you think of now is how well your kids are eating. Mothers forget how important their diet is, prob more important than their kids because their the ones who have to handle them.
No sense of fashion or dressing. Since we’ve become mothers we can dress in a sloppy and shabby manner because everyone knows were busy, we don’t have time. They hardly take out time for themselves.
I think being a mother from a woman is a huge hormonal change. But mothers need not forget that their women too at the end of the day. Some mothers will not try to lose weight after birth and that results in a shapeless figure. To spend time on oneself is integral. This is very important for a woman’s self confidence. Her independence is slaved and maternal instincts are on a rise. But most mothers just cave in. they spend so much time with the baby and in the house that they become patients of post depression. They cease to go out, refuse invitations saying this is the bonding time. Most don’t realize what their missing. Its important to give time to your child but you need time for yourself too.
I don’t know what kind of a mother iam going to become but watching other people really puts me on alert.

if not love let it be madness

2009-05-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

Allah mia is so great. beyond words and sentences. beyond our thoughts and emotions. our sentiments and sensations.
its amazing how allah gives me reality checks and reminders to come to back. sometimes i dont even realise that i have digressed or i have ceased to do the right thing. and magically allah mia makes things happen that remind me of what i should i do.
work, world and religion. sometimes i forget the difference and sometimes i do perpetually. i get involved in my work so much that i often fail to comprehend other equally important things. like my faith and more important god. ive recently come to realise that i take my work too seriously and there seems nothing more considerable than that. and that is exactly what allah mia doesnt want me to do. aah, the blessing of online lectures and scholars. the quran and its teachings. so today while listening to one, i came to my senses. and iam glad that allah out sense in me to do that, thank you. work is not eevryhting, and life is not eevryhting, larger than life things exist and i must come to terms with them. last weekend i cried uncontrollably when my work wasnt going well, i cried and was upset for hours but that is not the attitude of a momin or a good muslim. allah tests us with our weaknesses and sees whether were still faithful to him or not. and i felt bad because i felt as if i wasnt faithful enough. i was not angry at allah, god forbid, i can never be , but a tiny part of me which of course was shatan was puting all these wild ideas in my head and i kept slaving to them. like, people i know who dont pray are such good students, people who dont cover get such amazing grades. astaghfurallah....who am i to judge. i have no right. but u know how shatan makes you believe that you are right. then today it struck me, and i realised the most imprtant lesson of my life.
allah says that do not make anyhting your obsession especially your wordly things. do not love or hate somebody or something madly becuase when it happens otherwise, no one gets hurt except for your own self. and i thought how i had started to make work my obsession, i was so concerned about it that i failed to see other things around me. my imaan was weak. and i hate when that happens.
if you reserve your real love and emotons for allah, you will never get hurt or be dissappointed. you will accept challenges and any grievings that come your way as allahs will. and that is the destiny that i wish upon myself. that is the way i want to be. and the person i wish to become. inshallah one day......
so suddenly i find myself being calm and at peace, although iam way behind in my work, my classmates are quite ahead, but iam working hard and leaving the rest to allah. and whatever happens certainly happens for the best. and inshallah allah and only allah will help and guide me. ameen

oh boy oh boy

2009-04-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

relationships can be tricky. they can be as solid as rock and the next minute they crumble. it doesnt take long for that to happen. a small act of negligence or a careless word can destroy something youve built for years. i think thats what happened between us. and iam sorry for that becuase iam more to blame than you are and the last thing that i want is to lose you and i know that you know this.
two to tango. it takes two to make a relationship and not one. now i realise that in relationships one needs to be smart and sensitive in his choice of words. a reckless sentence or accusation can be hurtful and remmembered for days. and thats not very pleasant. why would you want to hurt somebody that you love the most. and why would you want to jeoperdise your relationship for something very meaningless and petty.
my friend recently went through a very ugly break up. it was so bad that it took him days to accept the situation and become normal. i had never seen him being so shattered before. i know that he cried for months and was upset for weeks. but time is the best medicine for wounds.
sometimes looking at other people can give you a deep sense of reality check. they make you think and ponder over things you hadnt given any thought to before.
anyway, you know who iam talking about and you know why. so heres to you. i hope we never go that path again that makes us question our relationship.
now, the wonderful news is that my taste in movies has changed dramatically. and iam so proud of it. i have become an avid fan of guy movies. and i think its partly becuase of my brother. no more romantic comedies and guilty pleasure movies for me...so i plan to watch 'in brudges' and 'fight club' as soon as i can get my hands on them.
some of the greatest guy movies are:
1_ underworld
2_ terminator
3_ shooter
4_ shawshank redemption
5_ x-men
6_ recruit
7_ the kingdom
8_ body of lies
9_ die hard ( havnt seen it yet)
10_ x-men origins
11_ spy game
12_ matrix

you dont have to go it alone

2009-03-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

my grandmother or what i call more lovingly nano is reall sick. i think her time is nearing and theres nothing any of us can do about it. except to wait and pray. the doctors have detected ovarian cancer which is a silent killer and the fifth cause of death from cancer in women. iam scared and numb. but mostly iam scared for her. i dont know how she'll take it when she finds out. my mother, uncle and i have been hiding it from her but soon we'll have to disclose the illness. and i feel as if god has given me a chance to connect with her. these past few days with her have been over whelming.i feel as if allah wants me to spend enough time with her. we wake up in the morning usually laughing or me screaming for her to get dressed quickly so she can go to the hospital. and then we have lunch and dinner together. i tell her stories about my trip, she confides fears and hopes. i feel iam little again.i feel iam the small child who hold her nanis hand. and i know that my work is being compromised to a massivly alarming extent, but a voice inside tells me that this time wont come again. and if i dont follow my heart i'll end up regretting. so here iam following my heart trying my best to make her happy. i smile even when i feel like crying. i laugh when i feel like sulking. i play her favourite songs to see a smile across her face. i take her out and have dosa just to make her feel at home. and iam actually enjoying these things. its like ive found love again. and its for real this time.
my clock is ticking and my deadline nearing. yet i let her interupt me when iam in the middle of my dissertation. i listen to her little feeble talk hoping that would calm her down. i fix her medicine box wishing it would her life easier. and all this gives me an inner solace. maybe i needed her to be here with me more than she needed me. my nano is not like anyother. shes way cool. she treats me like iam her own age. no type of conversation is ever prohibited and any talk about my fiance is encouraged.lol. she loves to hear stories about how i met him and often sneaks and reads my chat conversations on msn.
sometimes in life you have to make some very crucial choices. and when you choose one thing, the other suffers massively. the choice ive made i know will cost me but it cannot be more important than my nanos life for sure. and i really want to be there for her now like i know she was for me years back....something that my mind cannot recall...iam just lucky to be reminded

all shores

2009-03-24T23:47:00.000-07:00

i just came back from thailand recently...and the experience was just over whelming..the beach that i had seen in movies and on television was far superior. i travelled with my class but there were times that i enjoyed on my own. i went to pattaya and from i took a boat to coral island. in this trip, i had vowed that i would try all kinds of exciting things that i would not do otherwise. so some time later, i was in the air parasailing...the first few minutes are just too heavy for the heart to take. but once youre in the air, theres no better feeling. its close to flying. the waters below resemble a large plain of blue. you can touch the buildings around yourself. the wind keeps blowing that enhances your time.. after that, i went to coral island and the beach there was just so tempting that i coudnt resist. one of my many dreams has been to swim in the ocean. and there i did more than swimming. the banana boat ride was so pleasurable. the warm waters of the island were so amusing that i could live there. the suns rays were shining right on top of my head.. the sand was just as relaxing..if i werent so scared of sharks i would have swam for a longer while...but now looking at these pictures, iam extremely nostalagic of the beach.....the freedom to roam around and have an extremely distaseful ice cream for 50 baht. lol..and they were selling fake cans of coke too...they had shower rooms for 30 baht also and when my turn came to go the water finished..just then...and for the rest of the journey, till we arrived back in bankok i shuddered in my wet clothes....but that uncomfortable journey still does not ruin the beautiful beach....the stunning shells that came along with every tide...sometimes when i close my eyes i can still feel the water and its surroundings..

sometimes you cant make it on your own

2009-02-23T10:55:00.000-08:00

Tough,
you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone You're hard enough
You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches For you tonight
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
We fight
all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike You'd like me a whole lot more
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I - Sing,
you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...
Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

i cant sleep

2009-02-22T13:37:00.000-08:00

It’s two a clock at night and the people in my house are deep in slumber while the speaker in my room vibrates with the sound of dido……I cant sleep today or at least I don’t want to…I feel like writing and contemplating… haven’t done that in a while. The previous week was such a waste, didn’t accomplish anything. Feel wasted. I feel that way a lot these days. I need a challenge and a break from my work.
But tonight I think about you and us. The postcard that you gave me before leaving is standing upright in my cupboard. The rose that you brought me has withered; its colour lost and smell faded. Yet I can’t trash it. Maybe I don’t want to. It’s the first thing that I see when I open my cupboard. I don’t know where you are right now, I am not sure if you’ve left for university or you’re still at home. I don’t know what time it is there, I don’t know what you’re doing there. I don’t even know whether you’re thinking about me now. But iam...Tonight I paused while working to think about you. It’s funny how you leave me with such intense memories that I hold on to till I can see you again...uppa tells me not to think about the past too much, he says it’s a waste of time, concentrate on your future. But the past is all I have with you sometimes.
People think were not a real couple. That makes me laugh because I like what you told me once, let them say what they want to. They don’t know us, they don’t share our small secrets, our inside jokes and the huge efforts we make to please each other.. Were not like others and we’ll never really be..
Inshallah I really can’t wait for us to be together…I love that white shirt that you wore to my dadis….i thought you looked very sharp in it. I cannot believe that I actually woke you at four in the morning to complain about a crank caller and later we both started talking bec none of us felt like sleeping.. no one consoles and makes me laugh like you do, ok maybe my mother does…but besides her, theres no one like you harry..
The future excites and scares me harry, I know that it does the same to you.. I know that we have different plans, their so different that I don’t know when they will converge. I don’t know how long I’ll be working here and you studying there. I would do anything or give anything to go along with you. Share an apartment and start what we’ve been envisioning for so long..

some insights....

2009-02-18T11:42:00.000-08:00

the roads that would lead to the village........

the children that would not be deprived of education.....

the warmth and creativity that reflects in their homes.......

three cups of tea

2009-02-17T06:49:00.000-08:00

its been a while since i have written.....i dont know why i wasnt writing, sometimes you just dont feel like doing something..and that sometimes trangressed for quite a while.i blame myself and the pressures of life and college work.it can be so hectic and time consuming.
somethings been on my mind lately. the book three cups of tea i suppose. its beautiful. the role played by greg mortenson is just remarkable. seeing people like him can be extremely inspiring and over whelming, would love to meet him one day though.
for my dissertation, i visited a small village near lahore last year_thatta ghulamka deroka. and this story is so similar to that of the korphe village. the village that i visited occupied a small land but the people possessed large hearts. they were open minded about tourists and very hospitable. a german woman had been introduced to the village and she brought many chnages there. she made a school, educated the women about health and other hygiene basics. the village acquired electricity and roads were constructed. i thought to myself, why do we always rely on foreginers to improve our conditions. its not like we dont possess the skills or funds for these impoverished places. what we really lack is a kind heart and an immortal spirit. we dont feel pain when we see the children without shoes or food. we dont cry at their disparity. but they do. they who belong to even better living conditions feel the emtions better than their own people ever can. and what is even more frightening is that one day we'll be accountable for this. allah is watching and his angels writing. in our own artifitial lives we forget that we must return to him one day. the quran today made me realise that this world is temporary and the next is more significant. that is something i shud be more concerned about rather than trivial issues that i cry about everyday..........

RULES

2008-12-02T07:36:00.000-08:00

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less from people but more from God.

THINK DIFFERENT

2008-12-01T07:23:00.000-08:00

I write without inhibitions is what sticky sweet told me. But mostly I write for myself. Words that cluster in my mind and run on paper. They are in a rush to escape my mind. They want to be let free.
This semester my English teacher inspired me to write. As much as I am impressed by him, I also followed his advice. He told me you don’t have to be brilliant to write. You can improve once you start. And his weekly classes persuaded me to mark my thoughts. He made us read interesting pieces by authors. Poems that went beyond my understanding. He showed us videos that are still embedded in my head. Why do capable teachers leave and the unworthy stay.
I feel I learnt a lot this semester. My assignments just weren’t assignments. They were thought provoking and insightful. Being an art student I try to find meaning in my work. I argue with a lot of people about the varying degrees they attach to it. My aunt thinks that art is to be admired and appreciated. It is nothing but a pretty piece to be put in her drawing room. I tell her that art has served other purposes and history proves that. Dating back to the Altimira caves of Africa, art was a way of communication. The uncivilized made huge pictures of animals to overcome their fear of them. The Greeks and Romans made beautiful statues and buildings to mark their fortune. They made monuments to symbolize their power and supremacy. The mughals made miniatures to portray their lifestyle. Modern artists made paintings to display wars and political unrest. Some exhibited their strong emotions.
My brother constantly ridicules me that I will be unemployed once I graduate. I am aware that in today’s time, creative designing is something that only the rich can afford. The affluent have the money to buy designer products.
I agree with this to a certain extent but I want to play a constructive role in society. I don’t want to become just another designer or teach art somewhere. I want to make a difference for the people I work for. Two months back, we worked for an NGO. They employed women from rural areas who do embroidery. We had to design products for them that would be sold easily in the market. This way the NGO would understand why their goods are not being sold. I loved that assignment. It taught me so much and for the first time in my art school I thought I was making a difference to someone.
Another class graduated this year. And out of twenty five there was just one who attained a distinction. I was trying to understand why out of so many only she was given the award. And after seeing her work, I was convinced. It was something I could not possibly imagine. Such people impress me who think out of the box. They use talent intelligently.
It is Allah who gives such talents and abilities. In the end, it is him who we must thank for giving us a chance to make our mark.

the addiction

2008-11-17T07:54:00.000-08:00

a few of my favourite books, just a few, i wish i could
upload pics of all them.

since i became a member of shelfari, i got a chance to own a library comprising all the books that i have read. it gave me such pleasure. i was so happy and addicted to shelfari that i didnt want to get off that site. i could discuss books with other people and realised that many shared the same craving. there were so many books that i leanrt about. i just wish the latest books werent so expensive. liberty is the only source of buying such books but the cost sometimes makes me keep them back on the shelf. i always enter the shop with such excitement but hate leaving empty handed. anyway i discovered some alternatives. mr old books is a great place to buy cheap books from. sometimes the popular ones that are new are also available.pirated of course. but that doesnt bother me that much. books are meant for everyone, not to cater a certain class.

the books that i really want to read are

the white tiger by aravind adiga

unaccustomed earth by jhumpa lahiri

the colour purple

sense and sensibility

some good islamic books

BIRTH

2008-11-12T07:27:00.001-08:00

Today is the day Allah breathed life into my lifeless body. From his command came soul into my cadaver like light filtering through. Today is the day to be most grateful and obliged. Alhamdolilah, it is Allah who takes and gives existence. And today was the day he chose to send me to test and guide me.
There is no concept of celebrating birthdays in Islam. It is not only a waste of time but of money and resources as well. Rather, birthdays are like a reminder, an annual reality check. Are we doing what we are supposed to do? Are we thinking of Allah mian like we ought to? Are we grateful and indebted? Are we asking for forgiveness? Are we performing our duties?
Since a few years I have stopped celebrating my birthday and believe me it is one less extravagance in my life! And why is this one day so important in our lives anyway? We were born. O.k. so was everybody else. This is nothing but a psychological play of mind. Why should we feel important on just one day? We should on the contrary feel imperative everyday. Why, because we’re alive. We’re breathing and eating and our senses are working. What more reason can there be for feeling significant? And most of all, it is Allah who has chosen to keep us alive. He wants us to live for one more day, one more year. And this imperative day is spent on things totally the opposite of what the quran tells us.
One year has gone from my precious life whose every second is being recorded. Every minute and action is being noted down. And it saddens me that I haven’t spent a productive year. I have wasted this year on the same things I did in the previous year. So today I ask allah for a better year. A year which allows me to grow and improve myself. I not only learn from my mistakes but vow never to repeat them. I ask you to help me forgive those who have hurt me. I ask for my forgiveness too. I plead to become a more considerate child to my parents and their parents. I beg you to guide me all the time and to remember you at all times. I know your watching me as I write this, please just accept my prayers………..

remedy for perpetual pain

2008-11-09T00:43:00.000-08:00

there are many things that come between god and myself. worldy temptations to begin with. shaitaans devious plans. there are such useless thoughts in my head that refrain me from advancing towards namaaz. towards allah's kind words. sometimes i feel if it werent for allah i would have killed myself long ago.

life is full of disparity, cruelty and unjustice. people perform such heneious crimes without any guilt or remorse. families are raped and killed in front of eachother. loved ones suffer traumatic and unwarranted circumstances. merciless shootings and destruction. thoughtless provocation resulting in the worst of consequences. yet there is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel. there is anticipation in allahs existance. there is a flicker of inclination and yearning in his presence. why do we bear and tolerate such unkindness from our own creations. becuause we know that allah is there. and the day of judgement is there. and a record of all that took place will be there. and there is no one as just and as kind as allah. those who walk the earth thinking theres no tommorow will be reprimanded. those who believe in the current world only will be for a surprise. the quran talks about such people. people like the pharoah who were rich in arrogance. they were models of pride and conceit. allah mentions them in the quran for us not to follow in their steps.

'' the life of men is tempted by love and desire for women, children, the hoarding of treasures of gold and silver, branded horses, wealth of cattle and plantations, these are the comforts for the transitory life of this world; the everlasting best comfort , however is with allah. say; '' shall i tell you of better things than these, with which the righteous will be rewarded by their rabb? there will be gardens beneath which rivers flow , where they will live forever with spouses of perfect chastity and the good pleasure of allah. allah is watching his servants very closely . '' the righteous people are those who pray: '' our rabb! we sincerely believe in you : please forgive our sins save us from the agony of the hellfire:'' who are steadfast, obedient and charitable and who pray for forgiveness in the morning time. 3;( 14-17) surah A'l-e-Imran

no matter how heavy our plates are of sin, allah will forgive us. it is never too late for allah to welcome us, to excuse us. and the time is never delayed for us to atone our indulgence.

yesterday, before my final crit, i stood shaking with fear from what was to come my way. and alhamdolilah everything went so smoothly that for a little while i couldnt understand. it allah who helps and guides us. if you ask him sincerely with true conviction, he will always be there for you. and if you are ever saddened by the world, or angry at your surroundings, take refuge in his words. you will find nothing but solace there. and that is all that you need to survive.

2008-11-05T05:08:00.000-08:00

some paintings speak to you. they draw you closer and you feel mesmerised. how i felt when i saw this.

the missing link

2008-11-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

I miss my childhood sometimes. I miss being carefree and liberated from responsibility. I miss my dog and the comfort of my home. There are many regrets that I have today regarding my parents knowing that their not here. The most regretful is my unforgiving behavior towards them. As I child I fought with them over trivial things. Things that now seem insignificant. Even now, a few days back I was extremely rude with them so they would have my passport made. I insulted my mother, doubted her love for me and snapped at my father. Later I couldn’t control the guilt that was boiling inside me. It tore me apart and there was a time when I felt so ashamed, I didn’t want to face them. Yet they forgave me. If I asked them today, they wouldn’t even remember. That’s how allah has made parents. Forgiving and forgetful. Giving them one percent of his love and leaving the rest to himself. Subhanallah
I know they will be back in a few weeks inshallah, yet I miss them terribly. I miss knowing that their here. i think of the countless times I have let them down. Disobeyed them. Outright said no to them. Although allah says that you shouldn’t even say aah to your parents yet I have. I have hurt them and made them cry. I have made them wished that they never had me. Although I know these were words uttered in absolute rage still I was the reason for this provocation. Remembering these incidents brings tears to my eyes. It makes tight knots in my stomach. Its painful to remember yet I do. I wonder if allah will ever forgive me for this. I think of many ways to please him yet I do the thing that displeases him the most.
So like a criminal whose just been guilty of his offence, I submit to mine. I pray for parents like I don’t pray for myself. I pray for their health and prosperity and their dreams to come true. I pray that they go to heaven and my and brother and I become sadqa-e-jarain for them. I pray like theres no tomorrow. I pray for allah to accept my prayers.
I pray for them to have a safe journey and a blissful one.
I thank allah for giving me parents. The love of both. The affection and devotion of both. The encouragement and support of both. Thank you allah for giving me all the things that I needed to become the person iam today. ameen

the missing link

2008-11-03T10:48:00.000-08:00

yet another day at school. another day to ponder over my mistakes. another day to be a better person. another day to thank god for endless bounties. very few people share my religious beliefs and those who do i never spare them. i sit and talk with them over my favourite topic for hours.like i did today with my abaya friend. we shared our similar pleas about being good muslims and our fear of not doing so. at times we find things very difficult.

i remember as a child being very naiive. my mind would not wander into dimensions that it can now. it would be unable to grasp some ideas or rules. i remember my father being very strict about my clothing and interacting with the opposite gender. i was not allowed to wear jeans or short or tight clothes. seeing my freinds in the latest clothes would make me rise with fury. many nights i spent crying and arguing over something i thought was so important. even a few days back i was very rude to my both my parents so they would have my passport made. sigh! there are some things you realise once their gone. there are some regrets in life that never go. though my parents have gone for a few days abroad, i miss them terribly. i didnt get to see them everyday anyway, but its the thought that their not here that bothers me. parents forgive their children so easily. u yell, scream and cross your limits yet they welcome you with arms wide open. thats how they are. thats how allah has made them. forgiving and forgetful. hes put one percent of his love in them saving the rest for himself. subhanallah.

i miss the comfort of my mothers arms sometimes. the warmth with which she embraces me. the lovingly kiss that she places on my face. i sometimes miss my fathers gestures. his ability to express without words. his affectionate smile and harsh yet (for me) soft words. the only force that keeps me calm in their absence is allah. oh allah if it werent for you. you soothen my heart and soften my mind. you give me sanity when iam at the verge of insanity. you look after me. and you keep me alive.

the globe trekker

2008-11-02T02:03:00.000-08:00

iam the globe trekker. the world explorer.Sometimes in my dreams I travel to places I have never seen before. Iam the traveler who discovers and wanders. Who has a packpack ready. I climb mountains to see the height. I walk on the earth to feel the sand. I lie in the waters to rejuvenate myself. I see allahs creations. Man and animals. The little birds that flutter their wings. The butterflies that create a symphony of colours in the sky. I see everything. I observe allahs magnificence. I marvel at his creativity. His ability to create multiplicity.
One of my many dreams after hajj and umrah is to travel the world. See the countries. Understand different cultures. There are so many Muslims in the world and I want to meet them. I want to blend in the blues of the cities of morocco. I want to climb the mountains of Egypt to feel the ego that the pharaoh once felt. I want to open my eyes in front of the great mosque of Russia. I want to feel the love of the taj mahal. I want to see the depth of the great canyon. I want to hear the gush of the Niagara falls. I want to feel the calm of a bhuddist temple.
when someone tells me where they've been, my heart is tempted to go there. My cousin thousands of miles away from here shares the same passion. He tells me where to go and what to see. He has agreed to become my unofficial tour guide. He plans to travel to Jordan, London, Portugal and Spain this year. Inshallah.

the globe trekker

2008-11-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

THIS IS FOR YOU

2008-10-31T03:21:00.000-07:00

courtesy www.veer.com

this is for you. whenever you read this. whenever you take out time, you will know that this is for you. allah made you like he made me. allah put love in my heart for you like he put in your's for me. i know you might feel strange and uncomfortable reading this knowing that others can too. but its ok. let them read. as long as you read because only you will know what i have written. and i know that you understand why i put the beautiful horse. u, i and horses go way back. hahaahaah...
iam not superstitious, neither do i now believe in birthdays and anniverseries. but today i just could not help myself. today is any other day. and we opened our hearts to each other today four wonderful years back. i dont want to celebrate today. i just want to thank god and let you know how i feel today. lately i have been connecting everything to allah, even you. the loneliness that used to flicker is not anymore. it doesnt disturb me anymore. it makes room for me to unite with allah. and often when i read the quran, a verse makes me think of you. we can spend a lifetime and still that wouldnt be enough to thank him. the quran talks about man and woman. it stresses on the importance of their relationship. it gives them the comfort of eachother. it gives them a chance to love eachother. it bonds them in a legal wedlock. the quran then talks about the right they have over eachother. it tells ways for them to strenghen their union. and this makes allah very happy. isnt it beautiful. what we do for eachother makes allah happy only because we do it the right way.
when my eyes rest on a surah that talks about believing men and the believing women, i think of you. i think of how allah makes two people love each other. how allah puts such thoughts and emotions in their hearts. and then he sees whether they are thankful or not. he tests them whether they still recognise his existance. i just want you to see what i can now. i want you to understand what i can now. and i know that you do. you say and think you dont but you do. you are standing where iam. you believe in those things that i do. and it is allah who has given us this. it him who has put us together for a purpose like you said. your emaan lies within you and only you can see it. and i know that its there. i can feel it.
this is for you. and to show you what we can be if we want to be...........

my veil

2008-10-31T01:11:00.000-07:00

courtesy www.veer.com

iam veiled.my rab orders me to cover. his protective cloth covers my hair. it wraps every strand that would otherwise be chaotic. it gives my mind solace. it guards and shields from various forces. it reminds me of my lord and the duties that i must perform. if only every woman could enjoy the pleasure of being covered. the dignity and identity that it provides. the way it softens your heart and opens chambers for more. it keeps my thoughts in place. it grants me modesty. it lends me propriety. without it iam nothing. without my hijab iam like any other. it differentiates me. it lets others know who iam_it completes me.alhamdolilah.
'' o god! unto thee belongeth all praise. even as thou hast clothed me in this garment , i ask of thee the good thereof, and the good of that wherefor it hath been made, and i seek refuge in thee from the evil thereof, and the evil of that whereof it hath been made'' Abu Dawud
god! grant me the favour to use the dress which you have bestowed on me for the same purposes which you deem righteous. grant me the favour to cover my modesty with this dress and to protect my soul and body againest immodesty and shamelessness. grant me the favour to make it a means of adornment and grace for my body. god! grant me the favour to eschew displaying ostentation, pride or arrogance in dress and let me not transgress the bounds set by you in the use of dress by your slaves, both men and women.
in my younger years as a child i used to despise the hijab. i felt it as a trap. something that made you look ugly. my relatives used to take it and i used to detest it. my hair was my freedom. it was my beauty and my purpose of living. little do we know what awaits us. little did i know what allah had planned for me. iam now the same person who cannot live without it. my mind panics if a male servant enters and my hair is uncovered. little did i know that the real beauty lies in covering not revealing. and that is the real beauty that lies in the eyes of allah. and that is all that matters.
may allah give the guidance to each of us. may make us realise our sins. may allah give us what we need. may allah put the right sense in our minds. make us ponder and believe and obey. ameen

highs

2008-10-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

life is either a daring adventure or nothing_hellen keller
it is full of risks and exciting things ready to be explored.alhamdolilah. thank you allah for making me human. thank you allah for making it so easy for me to be a muslim, what if i was born somewhere else. thank you allah for giving me a family, there are many without any. thank you allah for giving me the joy of a sibling, there are many who are deprived of this. thank you allah for giving me the love and support of a family in every phase of my life, there are many who lack this.thank you allah for providing me a chance to see them often, there are many who havent seen their's for years.
last week my english teacher told me to take risks. he told us to do something we havent done before. do something out of the blue. do something for yourself. so i went home last friday and took a few days off from uni for myself and family. i slept and ate and laughed and had the best time ever.

are you there god? its me

2008-10-23T08:02:00.000-07:00

this image reminds me prophet Mohammad(pbuh). it reminds me of the time when islam entered the world. it entered Arabia. what a beautiful time that must have been. to have been with the prophet, to have known him. to do anyhting to please him. subhanallah. sometimes when i have dreamless nights, i dream of arabia. a land i have never been to. a dry, arid land but having so much significance. i think of the prophet and what a complete man he was. he was so impressive that non muslims today are forced to admit his brilliance.
the sunset is a beautiful time to witness. allah has organised the world so systematically that your forced to follow his routine. my window opens into the garden and from there i can see the sea as well. i can see a tree with birds and i can the vast sky that allah has created. everything obeys allah. the trees sway by allahs command. at sunset, the birds start chirping, telling us to head back. the colours of the sky are like a canvas filled with paints. the way the yellow dissolves into deep orange and then red takes place everyday. everyday allah shows us that you belong to him like everything else. hence you must return to him. the animals are in total submission to him. they eat when he wills, they run and kill only when he wills. the way a caterpiller transforms into a beautiful butterfly is an example of his magnificance. when a lioness gives birth to her children and protects them from the lion is an example. if a mere lioness can be so loving, how much must he be loving us? the way a woman guards her stomach for nine months not knowing what kind of a child will enter this world is an example. the happiness at the sight of a newborn who never remembers this is an example. life. the life that exists below the ground, in the water is fascinating. allah has made so many kinds that the human race is still discovering them today. the plant life. the birds, the insects.everything belongs to him and him only. theres a very nice nasheed/song by adnan sami called aye khuda aye khuda, jis ne ki justuju, milgaya us ko tu.......everytime i listen to it, it always reminds of allhas beautiful creations. it reminds me that allah is so close to me that if i reach out i might feel him.i might touch him. and all i have to do is call out to him and he'll be there. i know he will listen and he will solve everything for me, like he always does.

why am i not there?

2008-10-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

mondays incident gave a reality check. it reminded me that everyhting in this world is faani_temporary.we were sent to this world for a purpose and when that purpose is over, we will be sent back to our lord. whoever has understood this and keeps this in mind everyday, he will never sin. why do we sin waisay? because we know that allah is watching but screw it, lets just do it anyway. or sometimes the urge is so strong that you just cannot overcome it. that happens a lot with me.may allah guide me and forgive me.
anyway, a very tragic incident happened on monday. a classmates brother passed away in a very gruesome accident. suprisingly, the mother was very calm and at peace.a person with very high iman can be like that. a person who allah loves a lot and gives sabr to. sabr can only be attained if asked for it. this incident reminded me of hazrat ibrahim. how much must he have loved allah to to be willing to sacrifice his son for him. a son who was given to him after so many years.that is the level of love that a momin should posses for his rab. we love our worldy things so much, we love our parents, siblings and spouse so much that we cannot imajine a life without them. and they go right in front our eyes in a jiffy, while were still trying to figure out why that happened. everything in this world is faani. our homes, our wealth and us. the sooner we accept this the better.
death always makes me think about myself. if i were to leave the world like that, would i be prepared to? would my bag of good deeds be full? when the angel at the grave comes to ask me for my kalima, would i remember it? when they do the counting for my salaat, will there be some missing? all these questions scare me so much that sometimes i cease to think about them. just saying my prayers on time and reading the quran is not enough. huquq allah is just as important as huquq ul ibad. deen and dunya is so difficult in todays time. you want to be religious and worldly. you want to invite people towrds islam without offending them. you want to tell people when their really wrong without hurting them. you want to be a perfect model of islam without boasting it. i pray to allah everyday for such things. but i never realise that i have to work hard for these things. i have to love everyone the way i love my family. i have to care for everyone the way i would for myself. s strangers illness should be my own. a persons problem should be my own. i should not judge or differentiate. these are the qualities of a momin. and this is exactly what i lack. when i dont work on my weaknesses, how can i expect allah to make me a perfect model. you have to let go of something to achieve the other!

laugh along

2008-10-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

A Masjid goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained thatit made no sense to go to Masjid every Friday. 'I've gone for 30 years now,'he wrote, 'and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. Butfor the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the Imams are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all.'
This started a real controversy in the 'Letters to the Editor' column, muchto the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote thisclincher: 'I've been married for 37 years now. In that time my wife hascooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall theentire menu for a single one of those meals, But I do know this... They allnourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife hadnot given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if Ihad not gone to mosque for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!'When you are DOWN to nothing.... Allah is UP to something! Faith sees theinvisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Thank Allahfor our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!
hahhaahhaah.....that was funny and educational. and i should show this to my brother who shares the same opinion as that stupid man. hahahahahah... life is funny

the avoidable sin

2008-10-19T02:53:00.000-07:00

iam alive today as well alhamdolilah! its because of him that iam alive and breathing. youtube is amazing. there are so many lectures that i hear on it without cost. how great is that. iam trying to train myself not to wtch movies or shows. except that yesterday i saw half of bhram which had milind soman in it. some habbits never die. but otherwise i get tempted a lot. being at dadis house and close to school, theres always a reason not to watch television. work is your top most priority. but when i go to my parents house, someone is always watching a movie or television that you just cannot ignore the idiot box. yesterday my mother was watching this movie wih shahsi kapoor and rakhi and it was so absurd that my brother and i couldnt help make fun of it.
coming to a serious note, i ave realised that if i want i can avoid television. all i really have to do is make myself busy in some other chore. i was listening to yusuf estes's lecture yesterday about music and he was making so much sense. whenever i listen to music, its always playing in my head. while iam saying my prayers or reading the quran. its so distracting. the recitation of the quran can become music. its melodic verses can be quite a subsitute. thanks to my khala, may allah bless her, she gave me a beautiful present. its a muslim walkman and i listen to it everyday before going to sleep. the quran really is miraculous. it soothes my nerves. it gives me direction. it reminds me of the mistakes i made during the day. it still gives me hope. it teaches me patience. it reassures me that allah is there and everything will be alright.

thank you allah

2008-10-17T05:50:00.000-07:00

alhamdolilah! iam alive and breathing. iam spared from illnesses, poverty,suffering, tension, anxiety and depression. alhamdolilah! you can never thank god enough can you? everyday he does something new to bring tears to your eyes. everyday is a new day to praise his existance. his countless bounties and unlimited treasures.
today was friday and every thursday i think how i will make this friday special but thanks to this oversleeping problem that i have and school's tiredness, my plans never take place. hahahhhaah...khair i know myself, i will be making plans for next friday knowing they might not occur again.
although i have vowed not to backbite or criticize i will mention someone today that i really want to. i hope my writing style will not be condescending or critical. i know someone in school and every time i see that person i get very scared of allah. how can that person be so unaware of allhas words or she might choose to be. may allah give us the guidance and strengh to realise our mistakes and not be a source of irritation to others. i have told this person politely that you should change your behaviour because sometimes allah does not like such conduct. allah is great and he will guide us all. every time iam in that persons presence i learn. i learn not to utter words when they are not needed. i learn that i must be positive and thankful to god no matter what. theres a beautiful qoute from peer-e-kamil that says'' agar allah day day to shukr aur nahi day to sabr''. i learn from her not to be negative about allah, hes our rab he can never plan something ill for us. i learn from her that i must repect people, their opinions and beliefs. even when they clash with mine, i must not disrespect them. i should not be cranky and touchy. and most of all whatever i cannot tolerate fo myself , i must not tolerate that for others. i pray to allah to give her hidaya. i will not be true to my words if i dont want for her what i want for myself. eternal bliss from allah. ameen.
i lack the strengh or charisma that many people posses to inspire others towards them. i am not that strong. my actions and deeds are not that strong. i pray to allah that they become how i want them to be. but ofcourse this takes time.

CHOCOLAT

2008-10-16T06:16:00.000-07:00

guess what? iam turning into the biggest chocolate freak ever. my craving is beyong repair. i long for chocolate like a hungry child longs for food. he cries, he yelps, he kicks and shouts until what he wants is given to him. embarassingly yes, i have become that hungry child. today the urge was so strong, it compelled me to buy a jar of nutella's chocolate spread. and the feeling that overpowered me after eating one and half sandwhich cannot be described. it felt like heaven. like floating in air. hahahahah.....
everyday i try to find something new to thank god for. today was probably chocolate. yeah right. it was perhaps water and many other things. it always hurts when i see small children on the road without basic necessities like shoes and clothes. education and shelter would come much later. they are a product of starvation and malnutrition. their mostly beggers and i know that beggary is not encouraged in islam but sometimes i just cant help myself. they really look as if they havent eaten for days. one more roti might give them one more day to live.
today i want to share someones qoute that struck me as very relevant for our nation. we had a quest lecturer today ho works for samaa channel. anyway, he was trying to encourage the youth to be more passionate and patriotic. he said omething beautiful. he said we are always blaming people. whose responsible for cleaning filth? the janitors! whose going to enforce the law and order? the goverment! whose responsible for the mess on the streets? the police! so are you responsible for anything? you expect your kids to be looked after, your house to be cleaned by someone, your dishes to be washed, your clothes to be ironed? so whats your job? why are you here? what do you have to do? dont you have any responsiblity as a citizen if not a muslim? or vice versa. its sad. open the quran for guidance. its there. its all there. ok the guest speaker stoppedafter reponsibility and iam adding the quran part. but he made so much sense. iam finally reading my book called etiquettes in islam and iam surprised to learn that islam has solutions to all kinds of problems. iam on the chapter about friends and making friends and its so enlightning. islam is elevating the status of your friends too. allah says make good friends, and those that would not take you away from your religion. those that would attract you to it. be humble and patient around them. make them comfortable and the most interesting part was dont be informal rather enjoy life with them. i have all kinds of freinds. some fit this category sadly others dont. i have a recently turned naqabi friend whose thinks on the same lines as i do. when we talk its like talking to myself. and what i love about her is that she listens and guides me. she tells me when iam wrong and why. i have another friend who i also really admire. shes one of the most selfless people i have ever known. she will always think high of you, she will do anyhting to help you, sadly our religious lines dont meet. shes not the only one, i have many more more who i cannot share religious beliefs with but i still call them my friends. i pray to god to guide them. duas have such strentgh, if asked with true conviction.

findings

2008-10-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

surely, the muslim men and the muslim women, the believing men and the believing women, the devout men and the devout women, the truthful men and the truthful women, the patient men and the patient women, the humble men and the humble women, the charitable men and charitable women, the fasting men and the fasting women, the men who guard their chastity and the women who gaurd their chastity, the men who remember allah much and the women who remember allah much- for all of them, allah has prepared forgiveness and a great reward. it is not fitting for a believing man or a believing woman to have an option in their open affairs when a matter has been decided by allah and his rasool and whoever disobeys allah and his rasool has indeed strayed into a clearly wrong path_ surah ahzab 33:35-36
this verse completely floored me. i went back to it to understand the meaning again. allah gives us countless chances, options almost everyday to rectify our mistakes. he invites by calling us words like truthful, patient,devout to attract us. what happens when you hear someone praising you by calling you a truthful person or a humble person. it feels good doesnt it? well thats allah calling us that, the one who is highest in these attributes is calling us these names. can we now reject his verses, can we now ignore his power his greatness and man if we do we are in for it! hahahhah.
i recently got engaged and am just in love with my fiance. and after reading this verse about believing men and women makes me think a lot about our future. i have a vision for us which i hope inshallah allah fulfils one day. i pray for piety. i pray for the highest level of piety for both of us. i ask god for forgivenes for both of us. i ask him for us to be contended with whatever we will get. i ask for peace and happiness. i also ask for pure love and companionship not only for us but for all couples that are about to be wed or already are. i pray for a salah offspring. one that would make us proud. one that would become sadqa-e-jarian. one that would elevate our status in heaven. one that would love us because of allah. i pray for each day to be a successful day. a day without sin and regret. i pray for each day to be a day of jihad. a jihad of nafs and body. a day full of sacrifice for others. a day where we think less of eachother and more of others. i pray for a long or short but a healthy life. a life without illnesses and grief and if they are to come then give us strengh to deal with them.

2008-10-14T00:19:00.000-07:00

uff i cant wait to go swimming. cant wait at all. the still water that moves your body is so relaxing. its like floating in air. theres no thought of school or work.the phone doesnt ring in the pool. the mobile doesnt buzz, people dont call for your attention. its just you and solitude for a little while of course. then you go back to the noise . the world is so noisy waisay i was thinking. if nothing else theres the hmmmm of the mosquitoes at night. the fan sways or if your window opens outside the streets the cars can be heard. you really cant escape noise can you. its inevitable.
today i worked in the library while listening to the quran. i attached the headset to my ears and listened to the meaning of the holy words. their therapuetic. they console you and remind you that you must return to your lord one day. no matter what. this line always brings me back to earth. its like a reality check. i spent so much time fretting over my work, my clothes. i fail o consider the impracticality of it. its useless. grades, teachers, art is quite secondary. i cry if i dont achieve good grades but never shed a tear if i miss my namaz. i never cry if i dont read my duas or misbehave. my priorities are so wrong. and to eb honest i have never tried to correct them. movies and shows are half the time on my mind. if not that then other useless things. its so difficult to train yourself to avoid these things. and the problem that i have is that iam never consistant. i am so moody and careless about half my things. i will do one thing one day and then will not do it for weeks.

first attempt

2008-10-13T04:59:00.000-07:00

i have never been much of a writer. have always loved reading but never writing. so i thought maybe, maybe this might just be the time for some constrained words to be released. yeah right. but lets see how well this goes.
its been a few months since i havent been able to get up for fajr. ramazan was wonderful, it completely changed my habbits, got me into the religious cycle but now tht its gone i feel everything is back to the way it was. reading less quran, praying just for the sake of it, like an exercise that you must do , not knowing why your doing it in the first place. strange. life is so strange. i feel so close to god one day and the next day i have a different feeling. its scary and strange. i feel gods watching me, he's trying to guide me but i refuse to take his guidance. i simply refuse, i disobey him publicly and privately yet i dont always feel guilty.