what do you do

What do you do if your cancer is back? After a year of rigorous chemotherapy and a life threatening surgery, you find that your life is still not yours. It never was. And it can never be. Your life cannot be granted to you like a gift or a present. What do you do? Do you cry? Do you plead to god for mercy? Do you finally turn to him? Or you wait. You simply wait. Wait for the absolution that you hope to receive.
What do you do if one day you find out that you have a rare disease that compels you to never get married? Your body cannot carry a child. Your kidneys are too frail to give life. You cannot love or be loved as others would be. You cannot marry. What do you do? Do you still thank god like you used to. Are you still grateful for being alive and normal? Do you think of the many bounties that you still possess?
What do you do if you cannot graduate this year? You have been working like a dog for the past four years and they tell you that you’re simply not good enough. Your work is simply not good enough. You will have to come back next year to receive your degree. All your friends are graduating without you. The dreams and hopes that you have seen have now been shattered. Your life is shattered. A mess. A dirty, scattered mess. What do you do? Do you still work hard for next year? Do you acknowledge god and his existence?
Are you still sleeping? Are you still in ignorance?
Can you hear me god? Can you see me god? It’s me, one of your unfaithful followers. One of your misguided creations. Can you guide me and make me more pious and god fearing than I have ever been? Can you make me see things that I have not seen before? Can you please bestow your light upon me that shines through the rest of my life? I don’t think I want to die as an unbeliever. I don’t think I want to say I wish things were different on the Day of Judgment. Lord, you must help me and guide me. Because I believe I can ….
I believe I can….
I can…….

IS IT.......?

Has there ever been a moment when I don’t look at you

When have I not longed to take you in my arms

The two of us in the hammock that you made

your hand never left mine

the grass underneath us as we lay is so green and wet

will your eyes be locked in mine forever

can you make promises you cant keep

the snow that you told me you love

the silver dress you told me to wear

I have it

I bought it

The sky above us is so clear and blue

Just as you imagined

Just as you described

Theres a lake house

You designed it

You own it

Theres our life ahead

Its new

Its fresh

Its our’s

Your soul met mine a lifetime ago

It bonded

It loved

Theres a journey

That we must start

That we must end

i wish today would end

I shut myself

I close myself

I don’t feel like talking about it

I don’t feel like talking at all

I wish things were different

I wish you weren’t so cold

I wish I wasn’t so uptight

I wish I didn’t have so much work

I wish my dada would get better

I wish I would graduate

I wish I could improve myself

I wish I could be the person you want me to become

I wish I didn’t feel like shit today

I wish my heart didn’t ache with love for you

I wish I had the remedy for my illness

I wish I was closer to god

i feel unleashed....

Yesterday you opened to me. You poured your heart out to me. Your suppressed feelings of eight years came alive yesterday. You lost me when you had your chance. And now I find out that you had wanted me back. This is why you tried to get in touch with me; you emailed me constantly to which I never replied. You were seeking my attention while I was ignoring yours. You were guilty and I was angry.

Today its more clear why Iam not with you. I wasn’t meant for you and neither were you for me.

We are two very different people

We cannot be together….

You told me this is life. I agree with you. This really is life. It’s harsh and cruel and very very real. But its out there and this is the only life that we have to ourselves.

There was a time when I loved you but it’s gone now. And it’s never coming back. And I know you are now happy for me but you wish things were different. You wish that I had given you a second chance. You wish I had told you the real reason for leaving you. You wish I had not left you. And you wish I had come back to you. Today you have a heart full of regrets and a chest full of guilt. You apologized yesterday and I forgave. I had forgiven you a very long time ago but you were still hurt. Your heart ached for atonement. You mind yelled for solace. And I gave it to you yesterday.

It took me eight years to understand why I chose my fiancé. I had been comparing and contrasting. Yesterday’s tete-e-tat opened my eyes. It gave me a perspective I had been seeking for years. It gave me an insight I had been hoping for days. The life and soul mate that I chose for myself is the one that’s right for me. Iam not broken. Neither am I incomplete. Alhamldolah I have no regrets…….and neither should you….because I know that one day you’ll be just as happy as Iam today….all you gotta have is faith….like I did eight years ago that I would be happy one day ……..

ramblings....

as i stare at the tiny diamond on my ring that shines out loud in my face, i think about happiness. alhamdolah god has been kind. iam happy. i think ive made peace with my share of problems. they dont disturb me like they used to.i think ive matured in many ways during these months.
i have been wrong and sorry
i have hurt and apologised
i have been compensated by you and god. hes great...
anyway, yesterday was eid and it dragged for so long. then finally the little munchkins of my life came to save the day. they are twins and possess all the energy in the world. drinking fanta all day made it much worse.lol. anyway, they were driving my sick dada mad who needs plenty of quiet and alone time. so mum and i decided to take them outside. we were so tired and didnt have any energy to play with them, so we got a little mean.. muah ha ha ha....i told the girl twin to run and find at least 5 kinds of stones and throw them in the little pond, a little away from us. then i told her to sing any nursery rhyme she knew three times. the poor munchkin went and sang twinkle twinkle little stars three times, while counting on her little fingers. then i made the boy twin do the same thing. he sang baba black sheep. mum and i laughed and rolled over. hahahah....then i sent both of them on a mission to collect leaves, more stones, wet the stick and at last touch the car and come back. while the munchkins ran, laughed and played, mum and i got some lonesome time to eachother. i think she was glad that i joined her.
then my family made fun of my cooking and eating habbits. my pops told them that shes gonna join some cooking classes. yeah right, i chuckled. nice joke puppa!
pops: shes graduating, acha hai haandi seekhlay
me: thats the last thing i plan to do
uncle:yes we know her, we know what to find at her house....steaks, burgers, sandwiches, salads...
chorus laughter.....this is a very popular joke...my cooking...
uncle: so her hubby to be, he likes to eat?
pops: good joke... hes the least bothered about food..
me: yes..and i couldnt be happier...
phopo: he'll want food once you guys get married...you'll be making proper meals..
pops: i'll have to bring my own food to your house beta..whenever i visit...
me: which means you'll visit less?....lol
so this conversation went on for a while ....until it was time to go and i stole some of the forbidden cake...muah ha ha evil laugh

keep on praying for the good times.....

I know that you don’t want to talk to me, hear my voice or look at my face. I can probably understand that you have been hurt and you need time to recover. It’s hard to acknowledge this but I know, and Iam trying to live this hard truth of my life.

I have apologized to you and god in many ways, through many words. No day goes by when I don’t feel the guilt or remorse but I still apologize hoping you might get past this. It’s never too late and in our case it can never be.

I feel through not communicating, there are unspoken words that need to be heard and feelings cleared. I don’t know what you are thinking but I want you to know that life is a lot larger than it seems. Holding on to grudges and hiding your feelings especially from me will not get you too far. Life is short and seems less sometimes. But this is the only life that we‘ll ever have to ourselves. It’s too short for hatred, dislike, disbelief and anger. It is too minute to be spent agonizing, without empathy and compassion. My grandfather might have cancer. He’s dying and we all know it. We now wish for things that we had never said to him. We now yearn to have treated him better. His frail arms and pale eyes make us want to never forgive ourselves sometimes. But what we wish the most is to spend most of our time with him. To make right what we made wrong. To heal wounds we injured in the past. To love him and let him be loved. To make him smile so that he forgets his pain for a while. To make beautiful that little time that we have left with him.

People go through such severe hardships in life that they forget the meaning of life. Alhamdoliah we have been spared from such atrocities. God forbid if anything happened to either of us, I don’t want either of us to spend the rest of our life in pain thinking we had not done what we did. And there are people who are alive but spiritually dead. Their soul has died. And they wish that they had said the magic words to their loved ones, had made them feel loved before it was too late………

I WONDER......

Sometimes I wonder why I do things or say stuff to put myself in trouble. My zodiac sign insists that I have self destructive qualities. And now looking at myself, I believe it. I almost threw away a perfectly healthy relationship because of my stubbornness and ego. My better half was nice enough to forgive me, and I always realize my mistake after I have done the deed. Sigh….
These are the kinds of things he says to me……..
Stay with me, I forgive you, don’t say things you will regret later, I love you, I want to be there for you,
And these are the things that I say to him…..
I don’t want to talk to you, your immature, you embarrass me, I don’t know what I was thinking when I chose you….
See the difference between a nice guy and a bitchy gal…..now I know ……..