first attempt

i have never been much of a writer. have always loved reading but never writing. so i thought maybe, maybe this might just be the time for some constrained words to be released. yeah right. but lets see how well this goes.
its been a few months since i havent been able to get up for fajr. ramazan was wonderful, it completely changed my habbits, got me into the religious cycle but now tht its gone i feel everything is back to the way it was. reading less quran, praying just for the sake of it, like an exercise that you must do , not knowing why your doing it in the first place. strange. life is so strange. i feel so close to god one day and the next day i have a different feeling. its scary and strange. i feel gods watching me, he's trying to guide me but i refuse to take his guidance. i simply refuse, i disobey him publicly and privately yet i dont always feel guilty.