I WONDER......

Sometimes I wonder why I do things or say stuff to put myself in trouble. My zodiac sign insists that I have self destructive qualities. And now looking at myself, I believe it. I almost threw away a perfectly healthy relationship because of my stubbornness and ego. My better half was nice enough to forgive me, and I always realize my mistake after I have done the deed. Sigh….
These are the kinds of things he says to me……..
Stay with me, I forgive you, don’t say things you will regret later, I love you, I want to be there for you,
And these are the things that I say to him…..
I don’t want to talk to you, your immature, you embarrass me, I don’t know what I was thinking when I chose you….
See the difference between a nice guy and a bitchy gal…..now I know ……..

iam a monster

life changes in minutes. people break your heart in seconds. and it takes years for you to overcome that pang of anger and humiliation. my life has changed drastically this year. i have grown and shrunk and gone deeper into layers of misery. i have been angry, fustrated and depressed at myself and at people. basically i have not been myself for the past few months. i have been unable to forgive and forget. my actions have a great testament to that.
since my mini thesis, i have been suffering severe anxiety. my eyes still water at the thought of days of hard work and a substantial thought process being thrown away and discarded like it was a mistake to produce it. my mind has been unable to accept this. iam still angry and carry chunks and loads of fustration in my chest that doesnt cease. i take offence easily and am quick to judge and be judged. i have become unthankful and extremely ungrateful. i take things for granted and hurt the people who love me. i say unkind, unforgivable words to the ones who love me and have continued for several years. iam harsh and rude and insensitive. i have become a monster who doesnt care. my mother tells me that it is okay to carry such feelings in your heart as long as you know how to move away from them. people make mistakes. you never learn otherwise. i made mistakes and their costing me now. i have no consideration for my relationship anymore. iam disrespectful and hurtful. for most of the part i dont feel the guilt for behaving in such a way. my friend decieved and lied on my face. she feels no guilt. my teacher shot me down every chance she got. she felt no guilt. i have become them. this is why i no longer feel guilt. my fiance had a sad childhood, his parents bickering compromised his personality, yet i dont sympathise. i feel iam heading towards sin, yet i dont do anything about it.
i know that at the rate my sins are progressing, i will be all alone. no one will love or stay by my side. my fiance told me to get lost. i know i broke his heart. i ripped his chest open. i burned his insides. i wounded his lost injuries, i dug his past and made him detest and hate me for a few minutes.
i want to undo my past. i want to go back in time and change my life completely. i would be a different person.

hearts break

pain increases, it enhances with every passing moment of my life. flesh tears and i find my heart breaking. friends betray and love ceases to exist. it becomes unclear, the mist takes over. i cant see clearly anymore. i really dont know how to trust people anymore. i have been hurt, shaken and partly destroyed. my mind is does not forgive and forget anymore neither does it move on. i have turned to stone. iam still where i was a few years ago. i cannot find happiness and am indulged in the miseries of life. i cannot smile neither can i laugh.
there are decisions that i regret most in this stage of my life that i wish i had not attempted. of course you cannot undo the past but i wish i could, i wish i could go back in the past so that i wont be standing here today. alone...lonely and scared.....i could go back and change many decisions that wouldnt affect me today. and today if i take this decision there will be no looking back. i know that i must do this to save my soul.my life otherwise i wont be able to breathe. i know i cannot do this to myself or my parter. i think both of us will get hurt when i say the words so i must choose my words very carefully....
i wish there was an easier way to end things. i wish life really was like the movies where theres a happy ending at the end. theres light at the end of the tunnel.