what do you do

What do you do if your cancer is back? After a year of rigorous chemotherapy and a life threatening surgery, you find that your life is still not yours. It never was. And it can never be. Your life cannot be granted to you like a gift or a present. What do you do? Do you cry? Do you plead to god for mercy? Do you finally turn to him? Or you wait. You simply wait. Wait for the absolution that you hope to receive.
What do you do if one day you find out that you have a rare disease that compels you to never get married? Your body cannot carry a child. Your kidneys are too frail to give life. You cannot love or be loved as others would be. You cannot marry. What do you do? Do you still thank god like you used to. Are you still grateful for being alive and normal? Do you think of the many bounties that you still possess?
What do you do if you cannot graduate this year? You have been working like a dog for the past four years and they tell you that you’re simply not good enough. Your work is simply not good enough. You will have to come back next year to receive your degree. All your friends are graduating without you. The dreams and hopes that you have seen have now been shattered. Your life is shattered. A mess. A dirty, scattered mess. What do you do? Do you still work hard for next year? Do you acknowledge god and his existence?
Are you still sleeping? Are you still in ignorance?
Can you hear me god? Can you see me god? It’s me, one of your unfaithful followers. One of your misguided creations. Can you guide me and make me more pious and god fearing than I have ever been? Can you make me see things that I have not seen before? Can you please bestow your light upon me that shines through the rest of my life? I don’t think I want to die as an unbeliever. I don’t think I want to say I wish things were different on the Day of Judgment. Lord, you must help me and guide me. Because I believe I can ….
I believe I can….
I can…….

IS IT.......?

Has there ever been a moment when I don’t look at you

When have I not longed to take you in my arms

The two of us in the hammock that you made

your hand never left mine

the grass underneath us as we lay is so green and wet

will your eyes be locked in mine forever

can you make promises you cant keep

the snow that you told me you love

the silver dress you told me to wear

I have it

I bought it

The sky above us is so clear and blue

Just as you imagined

Just as you described

Theres a lake house

You designed it

You own it

Theres our life ahead

Its new

Its fresh

Its our’s

Your soul met mine a lifetime ago

It bonded

It loved

Theres a journey

That we must start

That we must end

i wish today would end

I shut myself

I close myself

I don’t feel like talking about it

I don’t feel like talking at all

I wish things were different

I wish you weren’t so cold

I wish I wasn’t so uptight

I wish I didn’t have so much work

I wish my dada would get better

I wish I would graduate

I wish I could improve myself

I wish I could be the person you want me to become

I wish I didn’t feel like shit today

I wish my heart didn’t ache with love for you

I wish I had the remedy for my illness

I wish I was closer to god

i feel unleashed....

Yesterday you opened to me. You poured your heart out to me. Your suppressed feelings of eight years came alive yesterday. You lost me when you had your chance. And now I find out that you had wanted me back. This is why you tried to get in touch with me; you emailed me constantly to which I never replied. You were seeking my attention while I was ignoring yours. You were guilty and I was angry.

Today its more clear why Iam not with you. I wasn’t meant for you and neither were you for me.

We are two very different people

We cannot be together….

You told me this is life. I agree with you. This really is life. It’s harsh and cruel and very very real. But its out there and this is the only life that we have to ourselves.

There was a time when I loved you but it’s gone now. And it’s never coming back. And I know you are now happy for me but you wish things were different. You wish that I had given you a second chance. You wish I had told you the real reason for leaving you. You wish I had not left you. And you wish I had come back to you. Today you have a heart full of regrets and a chest full of guilt. You apologized yesterday and I forgave. I had forgiven you a very long time ago but you were still hurt. Your heart ached for atonement. You mind yelled for solace. And I gave it to you yesterday.

It took me eight years to understand why I chose my fiancé. I had been comparing and contrasting. Yesterday’s tete-e-tat opened my eyes. It gave me a perspective I had been seeking for years. It gave me an insight I had been hoping for days. The life and soul mate that I chose for myself is the one that’s right for me. Iam not broken. Neither am I incomplete. Alhamldolah I have no regrets…….and neither should you….because I know that one day you’ll be just as happy as Iam today….all you gotta have is faith….like I did eight years ago that I would be happy one day ……..

ramblings....

as i stare at the tiny diamond on my ring that shines out loud in my face, i think about happiness. alhamdolah god has been kind. iam happy. i think ive made peace with my share of problems. they dont disturb me like they used to.i think ive matured in many ways during these months.
i have been wrong and sorry
i have hurt and apologised
i have been compensated by you and god. hes great...
anyway, yesterday was eid and it dragged for so long. then finally the little munchkins of my life came to save the day. they are twins and possess all the energy in the world. drinking fanta all day made it much worse.lol. anyway, they were driving my sick dada mad who needs plenty of quiet and alone time. so mum and i decided to take them outside. we were so tired and didnt have any energy to play with them, so we got a little mean.. muah ha ha ha....i told the girl twin to run and find at least 5 kinds of stones and throw them in the little pond, a little away from us. then i told her to sing any nursery rhyme she knew three times. the poor munchkin went and sang twinkle twinkle little stars three times, while counting on her little fingers. then i made the boy twin do the same thing. he sang baba black sheep. mum and i laughed and rolled over. hahahah....then i sent both of them on a mission to collect leaves, more stones, wet the stick and at last touch the car and come back. while the munchkins ran, laughed and played, mum and i got some lonesome time to eachother. i think she was glad that i joined her.
then my family made fun of my cooking and eating habbits. my pops told them that shes gonna join some cooking classes. yeah right, i chuckled. nice joke puppa!
pops: shes graduating, acha hai haandi seekhlay
me: thats the last thing i plan to do
uncle:yes we know her, we know what to find at her house....steaks, burgers, sandwiches, salads...
chorus laughter.....this is a very popular joke...my cooking...
uncle: so her hubby to be, he likes to eat?
pops: good joke... hes the least bothered about food..
me: yes..and i couldnt be happier...
phopo: he'll want food once you guys get married...you'll be making proper meals..
pops: i'll have to bring my own food to your house beta..whenever i visit...
me: which means you'll visit less?....lol
so this conversation went on for a while ....until it was time to go and i stole some of the forbidden cake...muah ha ha evil laugh

keep on praying for the good times.....

I know that you don’t want to talk to me, hear my voice or look at my face. I can probably understand that you have been hurt and you need time to recover. It’s hard to acknowledge this but I know, and Iam trying to live this hard truth of my life.

I have apologized to you and god in many ways, through many words. No day goes by when I don’t feel the guilt or remorse but I still apologize hoping you might get past this. It’s never too late and in our case it can never be.

I feel through not communicating, there are unspoken words that need to be heard and feelings cleared. I don’t know what you are thinking but I want you to know that life is a lot larger than it seems. Holding on to grudges and hiding your feelings especially from me will not get you too far. Life is short and seems less sometimes. But this is the only life that we‘ll ever have to ourselves. It’s too short for hatred, dislike, disbelief and anger. It is too minute to be spent agonizing, without empathy and compassion. My grandfather might have cancer. He’s dying and we all know it. We now wish for things that we had never said to him. We now yearn to have treated him better. His frail arms and pale eyes make us want to never forgive ourselves sometimes. But what we wish the most is to spend most of our time with him. To make right what we made wrong. To heal wounds we injured in the past. To love him and let him be loved. To make him smile so that he forgets his pain for a while. To make beautiful that little time that we have left with him.

People go through such severe hardships in life that they forget the meaning of life. Alhamdoliah we have been spared from such atrocities. God forbid if anything happened to either of us, I don’t want either of us to spend the rest of our life in pain thinking we had not done what we did. And there are people who are alive but spiritually dead. Their soul has died. And they wish that they had said the magic words to their loved ones, had made them feel loved before it was too late………

I WONDER......

Sometimes I wonder why I do things or say stuff to put myself in trouble. My zodiac sign insists that I have self destructive qualities. And now looking at myself, I believe it. I almost threw away a perfectly healthy relationship because of my stubbornness and ego. My better half was nice enough to forgive me, and I always realize my mistake after I have done the deed. Sigh….
These are the kinds of things he says to me……..
Stay with me, I forgive you, don’t say things you will regret later, I love you, I want to be there for you,
And these are the things that I say to him…..
I don’t want to talk to you, your immature, you embarrass me, I don’t know what I was thinking when I chose you….
See the difference between a nice guy and a bitchy gal…..now I know ……..

iam a monster

life changes in minutes. people break your heart in seconds. and it takes years for you to overcome that pang of anger and humiliation. my life has changed drastically this year. i have grown and shrunk and gone deeper into layers of misery. i have been angry, fustrated and depressed at myself and at people. basically i have not been myself for the past few months. i have been unable to forgive and forget. my actions have a great testament to that.
since my mini thesis, i have been suffering severe anxiety. my eyes still water at the thought of days of hard work and a substantial thought process being thrown away and discarded like it was a mistake to produce it. my mind has been unable to accept this. iam still angry and carry chunks and loads of fustration in my chest that doesnt cease. i take offence easily and am quick to judge and be judged. i have become unthankful and extremely ungrateful. i take things for granted and hurt the people who love me. i say unkind, unforgivable words to the ones who love me and have continued for several years. iam harsh and rude and insensitive. i have become a monster who doesnt care. my mother tells me that it is okay to carry such feelings in your heart as long as you know how to move away from them. people make mistakes. you never learn otherwise. i made mistakes and their costing me now. i have no consideration for my relationship anymore. iam disrespectful and hurtful. for most of the part i dont feel the guilt for behaving in such a way. my friend decieved and lied on my face. she feels no guilt. my teacher shot me down every chance she got. she felt no guilt. i have become them. this is why i no longer feel guilt. my fiance had a sad childhood, his parents bickering compromised his personality, yet i dont sympathise. i feel iam heading towards sin, yet i dont do anything about it.
i know that at the rate my sins are progressing, i will be all alone. no one will love or stay by my side. my fiance told me to get lost. i know i broke his heart. i ripped his chest open. i burned his insides. i wounded his lost injuries, i dug his past and made him detest and hate me for a few minutes.
i want to undo my past. i want to go back in time and change my life completely. i would be a different person.

hearts break

pain increases, it enhances with every passing moment of my life. flesh tears and i find my heart breaking. friends betray and love ceases to exist. it becomes unclear, the mist takes over. i cant see clearly anymore. i really dont know how to trust people anymore. i have been hurt, shaken and partly destroyed. my mind is does not forgive and forget anymore neither does it move on. i have turned to stone. iam still where i was a few years ago. i cannot find happiness and am indulged in the miseries of life. i cannot smile neither can i laugh.
there are decisions that i regret most in this stage of my life that i wish i had not attempted. of course you cannot undo the past but i wish i could, i wish i could go back in the past so that i wont be standing here today. alone...lonely and scared.....i could go back and change many decisions that wouldnt affect me today. and today if i take this decision there will be no looking back. i know that i must do this to save my soul.my life otherwise i wont be able to breathe. i know i cannot do this to myself or my parter. i think both of us will get hurt when i say the words so i must choose my words very carefully....
i wish there was an easier way to end things. i wish life really was like the movies where theres a happy ending at the end. theres light at the end of the tunnel.

you set me free, you liberate me and your'e love is all that means to me. iam like a bird whose lost sometimes but you give me your wings to fly. and i fly around like the world is all that there is. sometimes in the middle of my work, i stop typing and you come before my eyes. you cloud my vision and hamper my thoughts. you cling to me and i just cant let go of you.

i see you through a moving car, my eyes sometimes spot your smile across the translucent glass. sometimes words cannot explain and its real. it feels so real to me.

i hate passing your old neighbourhood, there i dont even need to close my eyes. i can actually feel you standing at your porch where we spent so many nights. those broken steps that led to your upper storey house. the darkness that always prevailed and then your smile would bring light to me. i hate being where you were and are not anymore. i hate looking at those lanes where you grew as a child. you were there, youre not anymore.

i have not gone back to that place where a tree stands with your name and mine. sometimes i think about that tree, engraved with writings of innocence. where you chased me while our freinds watched. you caught me and i surrendered to your arms.

you set me free while i chain myself to your memories. when you told me that you loved me, i knew things would never be the same. i would never be the same. i hold on to small minute objects given by you. they have withered, their colour faded. the paper of your cards have turned yellow. your balloon burst and shred many years ago, yet it still sleeps in my cupboard. i still laugh at your old hairstyles. your poetry wounds my heart. my heart skips a beat everytime you write for me. your sketches, your hand writing and your images are all that iam left with sometimes.

your existance seems magicial to me.

its that time of the year

Everyone around me either has become a mother or is in the process. Its frightening. My cousin recently had a second baby daughter and mashallah shes adorable. My friend from usa also has an adorable baby girl. Then just random people I know on facebook, old classmates, some seniors, all have become mothers. And iam just shocked to see them in that role. Iam old enough to be a mother myself but can never think of such a responsibility at the moment. It really does frighten me the thought and concept of motherhood. Don’t get me wrong, I love children, especially babies. But to think of having my own just freaks me out sometimes.
To be a mother is both a challenging and patient task. When your little one demands to be held and cries beyond imagination especially when you’re in the middle of cooking or doing some equally important chore. There is absolutely no time for yourself. No time and you find yourself juggling between different errands. I have also noticed how one has to give up on a lot of hobbies and make tremendous sacrifices. My cousin for instance has a business degree but does not work because her children are small. She says she’ll go back to work once her kids become older but I doubt that would be the case. The older your kids get, the bigger and worse their problems become.
Also there is a loss in your diet because all you think of now is how well your kids are eating. Mothers forget how important their diet is, prob more important than their kids because their the ones who have to handle them.
No sense of fashion or dressing. Since we’ve become mothers we can dress in a sloppy and shabby manner because everyone knows were busy, we don’t have time. They hardly take out time for themselves.
I think being a mother from a woman is a huge hormonal change. But mothers need not forget that their women too at the end of the day. Some mothers will not try to lose weight after birth and that results in a shapeless figure. To spend time on oneself is integral. This is very important for a woman’s self confidence. Her independence is slaved and maternal instincts are on a rise. But most mothers just cave in. they spend so much time with the baby and in the house that they become patients of post depression. They cease to go out, refuse invitations saying this is the bonding time. Most don’t realize what their missing. Its important to give time to your child but you need time for yourself too.
I don’t know what kind of a mother iam going to become but watching other people really puts me on alert.

if not love let it be madness

Allah mia is so great. beyond words and sentences. beyond our thoughts and emotions. our sentiments and sensations.
its amazing how allah gives me reality checks and reminders to come to back. sometimes i dont even realise that i have digressed or i have ceased to do the right thing. and magically allah mia makes things happen that remind me of what i should i do.
work, world and religion. sometimes i forget the difference and sometimes i do perpetually. i get involved in my work so much that i often fail to comprehend other equally important things. like my faith and more important god. ive recently come to realise that i take my work too seriously and there seems nothing more considerable than that. and that is exactly what allah mia doesnt want me to do. aah, the blessing of online lectures and scholars. the quran and its teachings. so today while listening to one, i came to my senses. and iam glad that allah out sense in me to do that, thank you. work is not eevryhting, and life is not eevryhting, larger than life things exist and i must come to terms with them. last weekend i cried uncontrollably when my work wasnt going well, i cried and was upset for hours but that is not the attitude of a momin or a good muslim. allah tests us with our weaknesses and sees whether were still faithful to him or not. and i felt bad because i felt as if i wasnt faithful enough. i was not angry at allah, god forbid, i can never be , but a tiny part of me which of course was shatan was puting all these wild ideas in my head and i kept slaving to them. like, people i know who dont pray are such good students, people who dont cover get such amazing grades. astaghfurallah....who am i to judge. i have no right. but u know how shatan makes you believe that you are right. then today it struck me, and i realised the most imprtant lesson of my life.
allah says that do not make anyhting your obsession especially your wordly things. do not love or hate somebody or something madly becuase when it happens otherwise, no one gets hurt except for your own self. and i thought how i had started to make work my obsession, i was so concerned about it that i failed to see other things around me. my imaan was weak. and i hate when that happens.
if you reserve your real love and emotons for allah, you will never get hurt or be dissappointed. you will accept challenges and any grievings that come your way as allahs will. and that is the destiny that i wish upon myself. that is the way i want to be. and the person i wish to become. inshallah one day......
so suddenly i find myself being calm and at peace, although iam way behind in my work, my classmates are quite ahead, but iam working hard and leaving the rest to allah. and whatever happens certainly happens for the best. and inshallah allah and only allah will help and guide me. ameen

oh boy oh boy

relationships can be tricky. they can be as solid as rock and the next minute they crumble. it doesnt take long for that to happen. a small act of negligence or a careless word can destroy something youve built for years. i think thats what happened between us. and iam sorry for that becuase iam more to blame than you are and the last thing that i want is to lose you and i know that you know this.
two to tango. it takes two to make a relationship and not one. now i realise that in relationships one needs to be smart and sensitive in his choice of words. a reckless sentence or accusation can be hurtful and remmembered for days. and thats not very pleasant. why would you want to hurt somebody that you love the most. and why would you want to jeoperdise your relationship for something very meaningless and petty.
my friend recently went through a very ugly break up. it was so bad that it took him days to accept the situation and become normal. i had never seen him being so shattered before. i know that he cried for months and was upset for weeks. but time is the best medicine for wounds.
sometimes looking at other people can give you a deep sense of reality check. they make you think and ponder over things you hadnt given any thought to before.
anyway, you know who iam talking about and you know why. so heres to you. i hope we never go that path again that makes us question our relationship.
now, the wonderful news is that my taste in movies has changed dramatically. and iam so proud of it. i have become an avid fan of guy movies. and i think its partly becuase of my brother. no more romantic comedies and guilty pleasure movies for me...so i plan to watch 'in brudges' and 'fight club' as soon as i can get my hands on them.
some of the greatest guy movies are:
1_ underworld
2_ terminator
3_ shooter
4_ shawshank redemption
5_ x-men
6_ recruit
7_ the kingdom
8_ body of lies
9_ die hard ( havnt seen it yet)
10_ x-men origins
11_ spy game
12_ matrix

you dont have to go it alone

my grandmother or what i call more lovingly nano is reall sick. i think her time is nearing and theres nothing any of us can do about it. except to wait and pray. the doctors have detected ovarian cancer which is a silent killer and the fifth cause of death from cancer in women. iam scared and numb. but mostly iam scared for her. i dont know how she'll take it when she finds out. my mother, uncle and i have been hiding it from her but soon we'll have to disclose the illness. and i feel as if god has given me a chance to connect with her. these past few days with her have been over whelming.i feel as if allah wants me to spend enough time with her. we wake up in the morning usually laughing or me screaming for her to get dressed quickly so she can go to the hospital. and then we have lunch and dinner together. i tell her stories about my trip, she confides fears and hopes. i feel iam little again.i feel iam the small child who hold her nanis hand. and i know that my work is being compromised to a massivly alarming extent, but a voice inside tells me that this time wont come again. and if i dont follow my heart i'll end up regretting. so here iam following my heart trying my best to make her happy. i smile even when i feel like crying. i laugh when i feel like sulking. i play her favourite songs to see a smile across her face. i take her out and have dosa just to make her feel at home. and iam actually enjoying these things. its like ive found love again. and its for real this time.
my clock is ticking and my deadline nearing. yet i let her interupt me when iam in the middle of my dissertation. i listen to her little feeble talk hoping that would calm her down. i fix her medicine box wishing it would her life easier. and all this gives me an inner solace. maybe i needed her to be here with me more than she needed me. my nano is not like anyother. shes way cool. she treats me like iam her own age. no type of conversation is ever prohibited and any talk about my fiance is encouraged.lol. she loves to hear stories about how i met him and often sneaks and reads my chat conversations on msn.
sometimes in life you have to make some very crucial choices. and when you choose one thing, the other suffers massively. the choice ive made i know will cost me but it cannot be more important than my nanos life for sure. and i really want to be there for her now like i know she was for me years back....something that my mind cannot recall...iam just lucky to be reminded

all shores

i just came back from thailand recently...and the experience was just over whelming..the beach that i had seen in movies and on television was far superior. i travelled with my class but there were times that i enjoyed on my own. i went to pattaya and from i took a boat to coral island. in this trip, i had vowed that i would try all kinds of exciting things that i would not do otherwise. so some time later, i was in the air parasailing...the first few minutes are just too heavy for the heart to take. but once youre in the air, theres no better feeling. its close to flying. the waters below resemble a large plain of blue. you can touch the buildings around yourself. the wind keeps blowing that enhances your time.. after that, i went to coral island and the beach there was just so tempting that i coudnt resist. one of my many dreams has been to swim in the ocean. and there i did more than swimming. the banana boat ride was so pleasurable. the warm waters of the island were so amusing that i could live there. the suns rays were shining right on top of my head.. the sand was just as relaxing..if i werent so scared of sharks i would have swam for a longer while...but now looking at these pictures, iam extremely nostalagic of the beach.....the freedom to roam around and have an extremely distaseful ice cream for 50 baht. lol..and they were selling fake cans of coke too...they had shower rooms for 30 baht also and when my turn came to go the water finished..just then...and for the rest of the journey, till we arrived back in bankok i shuddered in my wet clothes....but that uncomfortable journey still does not ruin the beautiful beach....the stunning shells that came along with every tide...sometimes when i close my eyes i can still feel the water and its surroundings..

sometimes you cant make it on your own

Tough,
you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone You're hard enough
You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches For you tonight
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
We fight
all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike You'd like me a whole lot more
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I - Sing,
you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...
Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

i cant sleep

It’s two a clock at night and the people in my house are deep in slumber while the speaker in my room vibrates with the sound of dido……I cant sleep today or at least I don’t want to…I feel like writing and contemplating… haven’t done that in a while. The previous week was such a waste, didn’t accomplish anything. Feel wasted. I feel that way a lot these days. I need a challenge and a break from my work.
But tonight I think about you and us. The postcard that you gave me before leaving is standing upright in my cupboard. The rose that you brought me has withered; its colour lost and smell faded. Yet I can’t trash it. Maybe I don’t want to. It’s the first thing that I see when I open my cupboard. I don’t know where you are right now, I am not sure if you’ve left for university or you’re still at home. I don’t know what time it is there, I don’t know what you’re doing there. I don’t even know whether you’re thinking about me now. But iam...Tonight I paused while working to think about you. It’s funny how you leave me with such intense memories that I hold on to till I can see you again...uppa tells me not to think about the past too much, he says it’s a waste of time, concentrate on your future. But the past is all I have with you sometimes.
People think were not a real couple. That makes me laugh because I like what you told me once, let them say what they want to. They don’t know us, they don’t share our small secrets, our inside jokes and the huge efforts we make to please each other.. Were not like others and we’ll never really be..
Inshallah I really can’t wait for us to be together…I love that white shirt that you wore to my dadis….i thought you looked very sharp in it. I cannot believe that I actually woke you at four in the morning to complain about a crank caller and later we both started talking bec none of us felt like sleeping.. no one consoles and makes me laugh like you do, ok maybe my mother does…but besides her, theres no one like you harry..
The future excites and scares me harry, I know that it does the same to you.. I know that we have different plans, their so different that I don’t know when they will converge. I don’t know how long I’ll be working here and you studying there. I would do anything or give anything to go along with you. Share an apartment and start what we’ve been envisioning for so long..

some insights....

the roads that would lead to the village........

the children that would not be deprived of education.....

the warmth and creativity that reflects in their homes.......

three cups of tea

its been a while since i have written.....i dont know why i wasnt writing, sometimes you just dont feel like doing something..and that sometimes trangressed for quite a while.i blame myself and the pressures of life and college work.it can be so hectic and time consuming.
somethings been on my mind lately. the book three cups of tea i suppose. its beautiful. the role played by greg mortenson is just remarkable. seeing people like him can be extremely inspiring and over whelming, would love to meet him one day though.
for my dissertation, i visited a small village near lahore last year_thatta ghulamka deroka. and this story is so similar to that of the korphe village. the village that i visited occupied a small land but the people possessed large hearts. they were open minded about tourists and very hospitable. a german woman had been introduced to the village and she brought many chnages there. she made a school, educated the women about health and other hygiene basics. the village acquired electricity and roads were constructed. i thought to myself, why do we always rely on foreginers to improve our conditions. its not like we dont possess the skills or funds for these impoverished places. what we really lack is a kind heart and an immortal spirit. we dont feel pain when we see the children without shoes or food. we dont cry at their disparity. but they do. they who belong to even better living conditions feel the emtions better than their own people ever can. and what is even more frightening is that one day we'll be accountable for this. allah is watching and his angels writing. in our own artifitial lives we forget that we must return to him one day. the quran today made me realise that this world is temporary and the next is more significant. that is something i shud be more concerned about rather than trivial issues that i cry about everyday..........