oh boy oh boy

relationships can be tricky. they can be as solid as rock and the next minute they crumble. it doesnt take long for that to happen. a small act of negligence or a careless word can destroy something youve built for years. i think thats what happened between us. and iam sorry for that becuase iam more to blame than you are and the last thing that i want is to lose you and i know that you know this.
two to tango. it takes two to make a relationship and not one. now i realise that in relationships one needs to be smart and sensitive in his choice of words. a reckless sentence or accusation can be hurtful and remmembered for days. and thats not very pleasant. why would you want to hurt somebody that you love the most. and why would you want to jeoperdise your relationship for something very meaningless and petty.
my friend recently went through a very ugly break up. it was so bad that it took him days to accept the situation and become normal. i had never seen him being so shattered before. i know that he cried for months and was upset for weeks. but time is the best medicine for wounds.
sometimes looking at other people can give you a deep sense of reality check. they make you think and ponder over things you hadnt given any thought to before.
anyway, you know who iam talking about and you know why. so heres to you. i hope we never go that path again that makes us question our relationship.
now, the wonderful news is that my taste in movies has changed dramatically. and iam so proud of it. i have become an avid fan of guy movies. and i think its partly becuase of my brother. no more romantic comedies and guilty pleasure movies for me...so i plan to watch 'in brudges' and 'fight club' as soon as i can get my hands on them.
some of the greatest guy movies are:
1_ underworld
2_ terminator
3_ shooter
4_ shawshank redemption
5_ x-men
6_ recruit
7_ the kingdom
8_ body of lies
9_ die hard ( havnt seen it yet)
10_ x-men origins
11_ spy game
12_ matrix

you dont have to go it alone

my grandmother or what i call more lovingly nano is reall sick. i think her time is nearing and theres nothing any of us can do about it. except to wait and pray. the doctors have detected ovarian cancer which is a silent killer and the fifth cause of death from cancer in women. iam scared and numb. but mostly iam scared for her. i dont know how she'll take it when she finds out. my mother, uncle and i have been hiding it from her but soon we'll have to disclose the illness. and i feel as if god has given me a chance to connect with her. these past few days with her have been over whelming.i feel as if allah wants me to spend enough time with her. we wake up in the morning usually laughing or me screaming for her to get dressed quickly so she can go to the hospital. and then we have lunch and dinner together. i tell her stories about my trip, she confides fears and hopes. i feel iam little again.i feel iam the small child who hold her nanis hand. and i know that my work is being compromised to a massivly alarming extent, but a voice inside tells me that this time wont come again. and if i dont follow my heart i'll end up regretting. so here iam following my heart trying my best to make her happy. i smile even when i feel like crying. i laugh when i feel like sulking. i play her favourite songs to see a smile across her face. i take her out and have dosa just to make her feel at home. and iam actually enjoying these things. its like ive found love again. and its for real this time.
my clock is ticking and my deadline nearing. yet i let her interupt me when iam in the middle of my dissertation. i listen to her little feeble talk hoping that would calm her down. i fix her medicine box wishing it would her life easier. and all this gives me an inner solace. maybe i needed her to be here with me more than she needed me. my nano is not like anyother. shes way cool. she treats me like iam her own age. no type of conversation is ever prohibited and any talk about my fiance is encouraged.lol. she loves to hear stories about how i met him and often sneaks and reads my chat conversations on msn.
sometimes in life you have to make some very crucial choices. and when you choose one thing, the other suffers massively. the choice ive made i know will cost me but it cannot be more important than my nanos life for sure. and i really want to be there for her now like i know she was for me years back....something that my mind cannot recall...iam just lucky to be reminded

all shores

i just came back from thailand recently...and the experience was just over whelming..the beach that i had seen in movies and on television was far superior. i travelled with my class but there were times that i enjoyed on my own. i went to pattaya and from i took a boat to coral island. in this trip, i had vowed that i would try all kinds of exciting things that i would not do otherwise. so some time later, i was in the air parasailing...the first few minutes are just too heavy for the heart to take. but once youre in the air, theres no better feeling. its close to flying. the waters below resemble a large plain of blue. you can touch the buildings around yourself. the wind keeps blowing that enhances your time.. after that, i went to coral island and the beach there was just so tempting that i coudnt resist. one of my many dreams has been to swim in the ocean. and there i did more than swimming. the banana boat ride was so pleasurable. the warm waters of the island were so amusing that i could live there. the suns rays were shining right on top of my head.. the sand was just as relaxing..if i werent so scared of sharks i would have swam for a longer while...but now looking at these pictures, iam extremely nostalagic of the beach.....the freedom to roam around and have an extremely distaseful ice cream for 50 baht. lol..and they were selling fake cans of coke too...they had shower rooms for 30 baht also and when my turn came to go the water finished..just then...and for the rest of the journey, till we arrived back in bankok i shuddered in my wet clothes....but that uncomfortable journey still does not ruin the beautiful beach....the stunning shells that came along with every tide...sometimes when i close my eyes i can still feel the water and its surroundings..

sometimes you cant make it on your own

Tough,
you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone You're hard enough
You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches For you tonight
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
We fight
all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike You'd like me a whole lot more
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I - Sing,
you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...
Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

i cant sleep

It’s two a clock at night and the people in my house are deep in slumber while the speaker in my room vibrates with the sound of dido……I cant sleep today or at least I don’t want to…I feel like writing and contemplating… haven’t done that in a while. The previous week was such a waste, didn’t accomplish anything. Feel wasted. I feel that way a lot these days. I need a challenge and a break from my work.
But tonight I think about you and us. The postcard that you gave me before leaving is standing upright in my cupboard. The rose that you brought me has withered; its colour lost and smell faded. Yet I can’t trash it. Maybe I don’t want to. It’s the first thing that I see when I open my cupboard. I don’t know where you are right now, I am not sure if you’ve left for university or you’re still at home. I don’t know what time it is there, I don’t know what you’re doing there. I don’t even know whether you’re thinking about me now. But iam...Tonight I paused while working to think about you. It’s funny how you leave me with such intense memories that I hold on to till I can see you again...uppa tells me not to think about the past too much, he says it’s a waste of time, concentrate on your future. But the past is all I have with you sometimes.
People think were not a real couple. That makes me laugh because I like what you told me once, let them say what they want to. They don’t know us, they don’t share our small secrets, our inside jokes and the huge efforts we make to please each other.. Were not like others and we’ll never really be..
Inshallah I really can’t wait for us to be together…I love that white shirt that you wore to my dadis….i thought you looked very sharp in it. I cannot believe that I actually woke you at four in the morning to complain about a crank caller and later we both started talking bec none of us felt like sleeping.. no one consoles and makes me laugh like you do, ok maybe my mother does…but besides her, theres no one like you harry..
The future excites and scares me harry, I know that it does the same to you.. I know that we have different plans, their so different that I don’t know when they will converge. I don’t know how long I’ll be working here and you studying there. I would do anything or give anything to go along with you. Share an apartment and start what we’ve been envisioning for so long..

some insights....

the roads that would lead to the village........

the children that would not be deprived of education.....

the warmth and creativity that reflects in their homes.......

three cups of tea

its been a while since i have written.....i dont know why i wasnt writing, sometimes you just dont feel like doing something..and that sometimes trangressed for quite a while.i blame myself and the pressures of life and college work.it can be so hectic and time consuming.
somethings been on my mind lately. the book three cups of tea i suppose. its beautiful. the role played by greg mortenson is just remarkable. seeing people like him can be extremely inspiring and over whelming, would love to meet him one day though.
for my dissertation, i visited a small village near lahore last year_thatta ghulamka deroka. and this story is so similar to that of the korphe village. the village that i visited occupied a small land but the people possessed large hearts. they were open minded about tourists and very hospitable. a german woman had been introduced to the village and she brought many chnages there. she made a school, educated the women about health and other hygiene basics. the village acquired electricity and roads were constructed. i thought to myself, why do we always rely on foreginers to improve our conditions. its not like we dont possess the skills or funds for these impoverished places. what we really lack is a kind heart and an immortal spirit. we dont feel pain when we see the children without shoes or food. we dont cry at their disparity. but they do. they who belong to even better living conditions feel the emtions better than their own people ever can. and what is even more frightening is that one day we'll be accountable for this. allah is watching and his angels writing. in our own artifitial lives we forget that we must return to him one day. the quran today made me realise that this world is temporary and the next is more significant. that is something i shud be more concerned about rather than trivial issues that i cry about everyday..........