I WONDER......

Sometimes I wonder why I do things or say stuff to put myself in trouble. My zodiac sign insists that I have self destructive qualities. And now looking at myself, I believe it. I almost threw away a perfectly healthy relationship because of my stubbornness and ego. My better half was nice enough to forgive me, and I always realize my mistake after I have done the deed. Sigh….
These are the kinds of things he says to me……..
Stay with me, I forgive you, don’t say things you will regret later, I love you, I want to be there for you,
And these are the things that I say to him…..
I don’t want to talk to you, your immature, you embarrass me, I don’t know what I was thinking when I chose you….
See the difference between a nice guy and a bitchy gal…..now I know ……..

iam a monster

life changes in minutes. people break your heart in seconds. and it takes years for you to overcome that pang of anger and humiliation. my life has changed drastically this year. i have grown and shrunk and gone deeper into layers of misery. i have been angry, fustrated and depressed at myself and at people. basically i have not been myself for the past few months. i have been unable to forgive and forget. my actions have a great testament to that.
since my mini thesis, i have been suffering severe anxiety. my eyes still water at the thought of days of hard work and a substantial thought process being thrown away and discarded like it was a mistake to produce it. my mind has been unable to accept this. iam still angry and carry chunks and loads of fustration in my chest that doesnt cease. i take offence easily and am quick to judge and be judged. i have become unthankful and extremely ungrateful. i take things for granted and hurt the people who love me. i say unkind, unforgivable words to the ones who love me and have continued for several years. iam harsh and rude and insensitive. i have become a monster who doesnt care. my mother tells me that it is okay to carry such feelings in your heart as long as you know how to move away from them. people make mistakes. you never learn otherwise. i made mistakes and their costing me now. i have no consideration for my relationship anymore. iam disrespectful and hurtful. for most of the part i dont feel the guilt for behaving in such a way. my friend decieved and lied on my face. she feels no guilt. my teacher shot me down every chance she got. she felt no guilt. i have become them. this is why i no longer feel guilt. my fiance had a sad childhood, his parents bickering compromised his personality, yet i dont sympathise. i feel iam heading towards sin, yet i dont do anything about it.
i know that at the rate my sins are progressing, i will be all alone. no one will love or stay by my side. my fiance told me to get lost. i know i broke his heart. i ripped his chest open. i burned his insides. i wounded his lost injuries, i dug his past and made him detest and hate me for a few minutes.
i want to undo my past. i want to go back in time and change my life completely. i would be a different person.

hearts break

pain increases, it enhances with every passing moment of my life. flesh tears and i find my heart breaking. friends betray and love ceases to exist. it becomes unclear, the mist takes over. i cant see clearly anymore. i really dont know how to trust people anymore. i have been hurt, shaken and partly destroyed. my mind is does not forgive and forget anymore neither does it move on. i have turned to stone. iam still where i was a few years ago. i cannot find happiness and am indulged in the miseries of life. i cannot smile neither can i laugh.
there are decisions that i regret most in this stage of my life that i wish i had not attempted. of course you cannot undo the past but i wish i could, i wish i could go back in the past so that i wont be standing here today. alone...lonely and scared.....i could go back and change many decisions that wouldnt affect me today. and today if i take this decision there will be no looking back. i know that i must do this to save my soul.my life otherwise i wont be able to breathe. i know i cannot do this to myself or my parter. i think both of us will get hurt when i say the words so i must choose my words very carefully....
i wish there was an easier way to end things. i wish life really was like the movies where theres a happy ending at the end. theres light at the end of the tunnel.

you set me free, you liberate me and your'e love is all that means to me. iam like a bird whose lost sometimes but you give me your wings to fly. and i fly around like the world is all that there is. sometimes in the middle of my work, i stop typing and you come before my eyes. you cloud my vision and hamper my thoughts. you cling to me and i just cant let go of you.

i see you through a moving car, my eyes sometimes spot your smile across the translucent glass. sometimes words cannot explain and its real. it feels so real to me.

i hate passing your old neighbourhood, there i dont even need to close my eyes. i can actually feel you standing at your porch where we spent so many nights. those broken steps that led to your upper storey house. the darkness that always prevailed and then your smile would bring light to me. i hate being where you were and are not anymore. i hate looking at those lanes where you grew as a child. you were there, youre not anymore.

i have not gone back to that place where a tree stands with your name and mine. sometimes i think about that tree, engraved with writings of innocence. where you chased me while our freinds watched. you caught me and i surrendered to your arms.

you set me free while i chain myself to your memories. when you told me that you loved me, i knew things would never be the same. i would never be the same. i hold on to small minute objects given by you. they have withered, their colour faded. the paper of your cards have turned yellow. your balloon burst and shred many years ago, yet it still sleeps in my cupboard. i still laugh at your old hairstyles. your poetry wounds my heart. my heart skips a beat everytime you write for me. your sketches, your hand writing and your images are all that iam left with sometimes.

your existance seems magicial to me.

its that time of the year

Everyone around me either has become a mother or is in the process. Its frightening. My cousin recently had a second baby daughter and mashallah shes adorable. My friend from usa also has an adorable baby girl. Then just random people I know on facebook, old classmates, some seniors, all have become mothers. And iam just shocked to see them in that role. Iam old enough to be a mother myself but can never think of such a responsibility at the moment. It really does frighten me the thought and concept of motherhood. Don’t get me wrong, I love children, especially babies. But to think of having my own just freaks me out sometimes.
To be a mother is both a challenging and patient task. When your little one demands to be held and cries beyond imagination especially when you’re in the middle of cooking or doing some equally important chore. There is absolutely no time for yourself. No time and you find yourself juggling between different errands. I have also noticed how one has to give up on a lot of hobbies and make tremendous sacrifices. My cousin for instance has a business degree but does not work because her children are small. She says she’ll go back to work once her kids become older but I doubt that would be the case. The older your kids get, the bigger and worse their problems become.
Also there is a loss in your diet because all you think of now is how well your kids are eating. Mothers forget how important their diet is, prob more important than their kids because their the ones who have to handle them.
No sense of fashion or dressing. Since we’ve become mothers we can dress in a sloppy and shabby manner because everyone knows were busy, we don’t have time. They hardly take out time for themselves.
I think being a mother from a woman is a huge hormonal change. But mothers need not forget that their women too at the end of the day. Some mothers will not try to lose weight after birth and that results in a shapeless figure. To spend time on oneself is integral. This is very important for a woman’s self confidence. Her independence is slaved and maternal instincts are on a rise. But most mothers just cave in. they spend so much time with the baby and in the house that they become patients of post depression. They cease to go out, refuse invitations saying this is the bonding time. Most don’t realize what their missing. Its important to give time to your child but you need time for yourself too.
I don’t know what kind of a mother iam going to become but watching other people really puts me on alert.

if not love let it be madness

Allah mia is so great. beyond words and sentences. beyond our thoughts and emotions. our sentiments and sensations.
its amazing how allah gives me reality checks and reminders to come to back. sometimes i dont even realise that i have digressed or i have ceased to do the right thing. and magically allah mia makes things happen that remind me of what i should i do.
work, world and religion. sometimes i forget the difference and sometimes i do perpetually. i get involved in my work so much that i often fail to comprehend other equally important things. like my faith and more important god. ive recently come to realise that i take my work too seriously and there seems nothing more considerable than that. and that is exactly what allah mia doesnt want me to do. aah, the blessing of online lectures and scholars. the quran and its teachings. so today while listening to one, i came to my senses. and iam glad that allah out sense in me to do that, thank you. work is not eevryhting, and life is not eevryhting, larger than life things exist and i must come to terms with them. last weekend i cried uncontrollably when my work wasnt going well, i cried and was upset for hours but that is not the attitude of a momin or a good muslim. allah tests us with our weaknesses and sees whether were still faithful to him or not. and i felt bad because i felt as if i wasnt faithful enough. i was not angry at allah, god forbid, i can never be , but a tiny part of me which of course was shatan was puting all these wild ideas in my head and i kept slaving to them. like, people i know who dont pray are such good students, people who dont cover get such amazing grades. astaghfurallah....who am i to judge. i have no right. but u know how shatan makes you believe that you are right. then today it struck me, and i realised the most imprtant lesson of my life.
allah says that do not make anyhting your obsession especially your wordly things. do not love or hate somebody or something madly becuase when it happens otherwise, no one gets hurt except for your own self. and i thought how i had started to make work my obsession, i was so concerned about it that i failed to see other things around me. my imaan was weak. and i hate when that happens.
if you reserve your real love and emotons for allah, you will never get hurt or be dissappointed. you will accept challenges and any grievings that come your way as allahs will. and that is the destiny that i wish upon myself. that is the way i want to be. and the person i wish to become. inshallah one day......
so suddenly i find myself being calm and at peace, although iam way behind in my work, my classmates are quite ahead, but iam working hard and leaving the rest to allah. and whatever happens certainly happens for the best. and inshallah allah and only allah will help and guide me. ameen

oh boy oh boy

relationships can be tricky. they can be as solid as rock and the next minute they crumble. it doesnt take long for that to happen. a small act of negligence or a careless word can destroy something youve built for years. i think thats what happened between us. and iam sorry for that becuase iam more to blame than you are and the last thing that i want is to lose you and i know that you know this.
two to tango. it takes two to make a relationship and not one. now i realise that in relationships one needs to be smart and sensitive in his choice of words. a reckless sentence or accusation can be hurtful and remmembered for days. and thats not very pleasant. why would you want to hurt somebody that you love the most. and why would you want to jeoperdise your relationship for something very meaningless and petty.
my friend recently went through a very ugly break up. it was so bad that it took him days to accept the situation and become normal. i had never seen him being so shattered before. i know that he cried for months and was upset for weeks. but time is the best medicine for wounds.
sometimes looking at other people can give you a deep sense of reality check. they make you think and ponder over things you hadnt given any thought to before.
anyway, you know who iam talking about and you know why. so heres to you. i hope we never go that path again that makes us question our relationship.
now, the wonderful news is that my taste in movies has changed dramatically. and iam so proud of it. i have become an avid fan of guy movies. and i think its partly becuase of my brother. no more romantic comedies and guilty pleasure movies for me...so i plan to watch 'in brudges' and 'fight club' as soon as i can get my hands on them.
some of the greatest guy movies are:
1_ underworld
2_ terminator
3_ shooter
4_ shawshank redemption
5_ x-men
6_ recruit
7_ the kingdom
8_ body of lies
9_ die hard ( havnt seen it yet)
10_ x-men origins
11_ spy game
12_ matrix